Can't Escape

Well, haven't put anything in here in the longest time. Mainly because I was with Pierre for 2.5 weeks straight. Was amazing. Buuut, tis gone now.

I really really enjoyed the past two weeks. Although things changed so suddenly, once again, Im beginning to think it was a dream. I often do that.
We had a great time together. Learned more about each other. Realized we don't get sick of each other. Took pictures; which turned out quite nice. We talked. We laughed. We shared. We learned. We did lots of stuff. There was like no bad that came out of it. Besides my fricken moods. I keep feeling like Im ruining things. I hate it. Its to the point Im distancing myself. I dont want to keep doing this. I dont want to keep going through this. I want out!

I noticed myself sliding downhill while he was still here. But things stuck together. Then, the day he was leaving, it was just ... ah ... I lost it. And then yesterday, I slid further downhill. And now today, Im even further! It just keeps getting worse and worse. All I do is cry anymore. Id be talking online, just doing whatever, and just start bawling. I go to bed, I start bawling. I wake up, I start bawling. Its neverending!! I hate it. Im already isolating myself. Kinda cant at the moment cuz Im babysitting, but when I get home, Ill just continue.

Im so fed up with myself. All I do is keep fuckin things up. I keep getting told that Im not. Buut, it sure feels like it and I cant get it through my head. Things arent as smooth as they used to be. And I keep making it worse and worse. My moods are sooo fucked up. I cant handle it. Its interfering with other people cuz I keep taking things out on whoever. I dont know what happened. Nothing happened that I know of. Things are just suddenly jumbled together.

Im pissed at myself for fuckin up my pills. I havent taken them in like over a week. Maybe two weeks! ... And Im not sure if I can just start taking them again. I want them. I need them! I just dont know what to do....

Gah. Everythings messed up. And I dont wanna drag others down with me. Especially Pierre, or Sammy. Sooo, Im distancing myself. That way I cant mess anything up.

Im depressed. Thats what I am. Im back to being depressed. Didnt take long for things to change. Ofcourse not. I always end up this way again.
Im so drained. Emotionally. Physically. Any way! I know the state Im in. Just not sure how I got here. Im used to this feeling. I remember it. Im here again. Buuut, not sure how I got here or how to get out again.

Blah. Im gonna end here. Im babysitting and he's drivin me up the damn wall. Gonna take him for a walk. So he'll shut up. I've already yelled at him, louder than usual, several times since Ive been here. And unfortunately Ive .... wait.... I cant. I wont mention. I feel terrible. I just... I shouldnt be here. Ill say that much. Cuz the state Im in, Im against the world. No matter who it is. Anyways, Im just repeating myself. Im depressed. Life's fucked. I keep messin things up with others. Not sure how I got here. Yadda Yadda. Imma stop.