Gotta Love Life....not

Im so sick of the daily headaches, the dizzy spells, and the stomach pains.
Im more sick of them throwing excuses at me. I've had daily headaches for over 3 years now and they just get worse. Ive gone through like 8 different pills for them (not an exaggeration). I go back to the doctors and what do they do? ... "here, we'll try these" ... and perscribe me another pill. They dont fricken work!!! Nothing does! And if they do, I have relief for an hour, then its back again! Im not gonna keep poppin pills for the rest of my life, just for an hour relief here and there. Fricken hospitalize me and figure out wtf is causing it! ... Then he says that my dizzy spells are just an imbalance in my organs or some shit and it has to run its course. wtf? ... So I gotta put up with dizzy spells and losing balance and almost collapsing until its done "running its course" ?! ... you're kidding me.... its fuckin bull!

And on top of that I have this fucking depression that wont let me live my life. Its not easy. I don't ask to feel this say. Its hard to go to school, concentrate and juggle everything else in this messed up life. And all I'm ever told is "You can do this, you can do that, you're just being negative, you just have to want it..." etc .... Fuck man. I don't ask to feel this way. It just comes to me and it's not easy to turn around. I do NOT want to feel this way, live like this, deal with this!

.....I'm done.

Trapped ::: Thoughts

The only thing that would make me the happiest,
happens to be something I cannot have.
And for some reason,
that really doesn't surprise me.
Don't get me wrong,
he makes me happy; very happy.
But this would make me happier.
It's not the fact of what it is,
it's the fact it's shared with him;
Something we created together;
Something we can call ours...
Forever.

Tell me something though,
Why do you listen to it?
Why don't you give feedback?
Why do you put up with it?
What is this doing to you?!

You'll never know how it feels to be me,
and how often I beat myself up,
for everything I put you through,
because of this...

I don't like what I put you through.
You don't deserve this.
So yell at me!
Scream at me!
Tell me what it's doing to you.
Maybe it'll shake some sense into me.
But for some reason,
I highly doubt it.

.....trapped.

Sad, But True

I had a friend.... A best friend at that. I don't know where she is anymore. I can practically see right through her now. She's there; standing right in front of me. But it's like she's lost her soul, there's nothing much left to her. She's in a constant daze and unsure on what's going on. She asks simple questions now, like "What was I doing again?". Things she should already know; things she shouldn't have to ask. She works to support her habit. Her money goes down the drain; a drain to her lungs. I don't confide in her anymore. I don't update her on my life either. We used to spend a lot of time together; non-stop talking, sharing our thoughts, having a good time, constant laughter..... But that hasn't happened for several months now. We can't share things like we used to. She doesn't support me and my choices in life; like a friend should do. She doesn't like my boyfriend... She's more straight forward and ignorant now. She's letting her life slip past her, with every breath she takes.

I can only wish that one of these days, she'll wake up and realize what she's doing to herself, her life, her future, her friends -- before it's too late.... If it's not already.

I miss her. But I can't do this anymore. I can't watch this happen...

A friendship left behind, 'cause of a simple plant. Sad, but true.

Drugs take control... But only when you let it.

She chose the drugs over her friendship.

.....What is this world coming to?

::: - Courtney - :::

Unknown Turn

__[.Unknown Turn.]__

I want it all back now
Where did it go?
Been trying to figure out how
Afraid I'll never know
It never used to be this way
Not sure what went wrong
I'd like to say it'll be okay
But that could take so long
I miss the way it used to be
I'll get it back; some way, some how
But I can't guarantee
I just want it all back now
Give me some help, send me a sign
I'll do anything at all
Just want it to be fine
Please don't let me fall
I've hit the bottom hard before
And I don't want that again
I don't want this anymore
Things will change. But when?

Courtney Campbell
October 18, 2oo7
3:29pm

-.- Struggle -.-

It's hard to juggle:

• school (tests, homework, things done in school...etc)
• the shit at home
• constant arguments between the loved one
• babysitting
• friends (helping/being there for them 24/7 when necessary)
• whatever else pops in to add to the day

I'm stressing. I'm reaching an end. I'm incredibly drained; emotionally and physically.

Should probably sleep now. I have to get up in 6 hours to face another day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy ((majority of me)). Just stressing, I guess.

Goodnight.

Misunderstood

You'll never understand til you feel the way I do. You may want it as well, but it's nowhere near the state I'm in. I believe there's a way around it. It's still fair to them. I've waited this long, but very uncertain I can wait any longer. It tears me apart. And I only wish you could understand. You may say you do, but you don't.

My Heart -&- Soul

::: It's Reality :::

I'm gonna marry him some day
I don't care what they say
It is what it is
And I'm nothing but his
I wouldn't want it any other way
...There's so much more I could say

I love him to death
Together; til the very last breath
Nothing comes between us
Nothing we can't discuss
So much communication
...Always appreciation

We thrive off each other
We live through one another
If there was no him and I
I'd probably die
He's the reason I'm alive
...My reason to survive

He has such an impact on me
If only you could see
I wish I could express how I feel
There's so much to reveal
Most of it can't be said
...I show it instead

I'd tell the world if I could
Not sure it'd be understood
It just seems so unreal
But it's how I feel
I couldn't live without him
...It all comes from within

I'm gonna marry him some day
I don't care what they say
It is what it is
And I'm nothing but his
I wouldn't want it any other way
...There's so much more I could say

I love him to death
Together we stand...
Til the very last breath.
<3


Courtney Campbell
September 22, 2oo7
9:08am

I love you so much, Pierre. You mean the world to me.
Thanks for everything. <3