I don't really have much to say today....
It feels weird. Possibly because things are going well for once?
Im not too pleased on the fact Im gonna be doing a lot of babysitting within this week and next week though. gah! Three days this week - doesnt sound too bad. But when its day after day, I find it hard to handle. Thankfully, I made it through yesterday and today, but now its to make it through tomorrow. Then I might have to babysit Saturday, real early in the morning. -_- Til who knows when. Gah. Then Im not sure how many days next week. But next Friday, she needs me at like 730am, for the entire day! GAH! Im gonna die. I can barely handle these kids for the 3-4 hours I have them for. They are soooo hyper'ish and do NOT listen and gaaaah.
See, I love children, but I hate taking care of children like this. They arent that well behaved and they arent raised how I wish they were, so I have some difficulties. All good though. They keep me busy. And Hunter keeps me happy. I could go there all down'ish, but the moment I see that kid smile, I light right up!
Anywho, I didnt expect to go on about babysitting. *_*
Things overall have been pretty decent. Without Eric, things have changed quite a bit. Its kinda shocking. Buuut, Im doing it. Things are better. And it'll just progress throughout the days. Im really glad I have Pierre. He's made things a lot better and Im happy to have him. ^_^
Anywho, I have a sudden craving for Froot Loops so Imma end here. I dont have much more to say anyways.
That shall be all for now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
So Far Down
Today was absolutely horrible.
I'm not going to say much. I just know I went through a hell of a lot. Things I shouldn't have had to go through in the first place. And the end result was me feeling extremely hurt, angry, shocked, and upset. Im not even going to explain. I dont even remember much of it to begin with. Thats what happens when Courty goes through shit. She blocks it out, without realizing and isnt able to remember it. I just know it was bad. And he dropped me pretty damn hard this time. Bout time I shattered. Gotta love being fragile.
Anyways, I feel incredibly dead. Im like a zombie. My head is killing me. I only slept 3 hours last night. I cried so much in the past three days, Im not even sure Im able to cry anymore. Although I know it'll happen. Cuz thats me.... I cry so fricken often! I wouldnt mind much if I was just, crying a bit here and there. But no, the past three days have been like, full out bawling my eyes out for like 10-15 minutes at a time. Its so draining! Last night before I finally fell asleep, it was 35-40 minutes straight. Gah! I hate the feeling after though. Im like, depressed feeling. Just wanna lay there and stare. Dont wanna be bothered. Just wanna lay there, staring at the ceiling, with no emotions shown. Dead. Thats it. Dead like.
Theres nothing much left to me anymore. Well, thats how it feels atleast. Maybe things will change after today though. Ive gone through quite a bit. Cant expect me to be fine. So I guess we'll see.
I hate this feeling though. I dont want to face tomorrow. Nor do I want to face the rest of today....
This is much more difficult than I thought.
I'm not going to say much. I just know I went through a hell of a lot. Things I shouldn't have had to go through in the first place. And the end result was me feeling extremely hurt, angry, shocked, and upset. Im not even going to explain. I dont even remember much of it to begin with. Thats what happens when Courty goes through shit. She blocks it out, without realizing and isnt able to remember it. I just know it was bad. And he dropped me pretty damn hard this time. Bout time I shattered. Gotta love being fragile.
Anyways, I feel incredibly dead. Im like a zombie. My head is killing me. I only slept 3 hours last night. I cried so much in the past three days, Im not even sure Im able to cry anymore. Although I know it'll happen. Cuz thats me.... I cry so fricken often! I wouldnt mind much if I was just, crying a bit here and there. But no, the past three days have been like, full out bawling my eyes out for like 10-15 minutes at a time. Its so draining! Last night before I finally fell asleep, it was 35-40 minutes straight. Gah! I hate the feeling after though. Im like, depressed feeling. Just wanna lay there and stare. Dont wanna be bothered. Just wanna lay there, staring at the ceiling, with no emotions shown. Dead. Thats it. Dead like.
Theres nothing much left to me anymore. Well, thats how it feels atleast. Maybe things will change after today though. Ive gone through quite a bit. Cant expect me to be fine. So I guess we'll see.
I hate this feeling though. I dont want to face tomorrow. Nor do I want to face the rest of today....
This is much more difficult than I thought.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Ofcourse, just when things are getting back on track, something has to come along and interupt.
Things are great. Im happy with Pierre. Ive been happy majority of my day. But now Ive noticed, that eversince Pierre has come along, people decided to back out. Why? Well, I've questioned them and they claim they 'dont want to get in the way'. Ugh. They wont get in the way. They cant. I dont see how the hell they could! Sure, I have my Pierre, but I dont want to lose the others.
I didnt want this. I wanted happiness. I wanted things to settle down. Things are back on track for once, yet people think they have to back away all of a sudden now that I have Pierre?! Wrong. I may have Pierre, but I still have all the time in the world for everyone else. I have just as much time for them as I did before. I dont want them gone. I dont want things to change. I want things to remain the same. But ofcourse, like always ... I take a step forward, and then I get dragged back again.
*sigh* Here we go again ....
Things are great. Im happy with Pierre. Ive been happy majority of my day. But now Ive noticed, that eversince Pierre has come along, people decided to back out. Why? Well, I've questioned them and they claim they 'dont want to get in the way'. Ugh. They wont get in the way. They cant. I dont see how the hell they could! Sure, I have my Pierre, but I dont want to lose the others.
I didnt want this. I wanted happiness. I wanted things to settle down. Things are back on track for once, yet people think they have to back away all of a sudden now that I have Pierre?! Wrong. I may have Pierre, but I still have all the time in the world for everyone else. I have just as much time for them as I did before. I dont want them gone. I dont want things to change. I want things to remain the same. But ofcourse, like always ... I take a step forward, and then I get dragged back again.
*sigh* Here we go again ....
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Things CAN Turn Around After All
Today had so many ups and downs. But, in the end Im happier than ever. After all Ive been through today, I really didnt think it'd end with happiness. I have one person to thank for that; my Pierre!
So, I'm dropping Eric. Well, I have dropped Eric. I can't deal with it anymore. I'm tired of the head games. Im tired of everything! The pain, hurt, confusion, frustration...etc! It literally drained me. I didnt deserve it. I should've walked away from it long ago. But I always have to learn the hard way. Plus, I loved him to death, I couldnt do it. But with certain people by my side my eyes were wide open and I saw it all for myself. So I did what was right.
I've noticed I am sooo happy when it comes to Pierre. My mom even noticed that with me. She really likes Pierre. So thats a bonus. Anyways, to cut things down - cuz Im so tired of talking about Eric. I made a tough decision tonight. Which was easier than I expected. But I know it's the right thing to do. I let Eric go. I decided to take Pierre's hand and now together we stand.
Only hours in, and I couldnt be happier.
I'd add more, but I'm feeling pretty drained. So I'm looking forward to sleep.
I covered the main things, so that shall be all for now.
*smiles*
YAY GREEN!!!!
So, I'm dropping Eric. Well, I have dropped Eric. I can't deal with it anymore. I'm tired of the head games. Im tired of everything! The pain, hurt, confusion, frustration...etc! It literally drained me. I didnt deserve it. I should've walked away from it long ago. But I always have to learn the hard way. Plus, I loved him to death, I couldnt do it. But with certain people by my side my eyes were wide open and I saw it all for myself. So I did what was right.
I've noticed I am sooo happy when it comes to Pierre. My mom even noticed that with me. She really likes Pierre. So thats a bonus. Anyways, to cut things down - cuz Im so tired of talking about Eric. I made a tough decision tonight. Which was easier than I expected. But I know it's the right thing to do. I let Eric go. I decided to take Pierre's hand and now together we stand.
Only hours in, and I couldnt be happier.
I'd add more, but I'm feeling pretty drained. So I'm looking forward to sleep.
I covered the main things, so that shall be all for now.
*smiles*
YAY GREEN!!!!
Saturday, April 07, 2007
-- Perfect Lyrics --
Adema - Trust
Let me breathe
Let me breathe
I can't even think right now
Something's got me feeling guilty
Hurt you slowly but so surely
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
Pushing into what I want
Because I am so goddamn selfish
Left you hanging, stopped relating
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
(Is it you, is it me)
It's easier to let you go
(Let me breathe)
Let me breathe
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
Is it you, is it me
It's easier to let you go
Breathe
Let me breathe
Breathe
Let me breathe
Let me breathe
I can't even think right now
Something's got me feeling guilty
Hurt you slowly but so surely
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
Pushing into what I want
Because I am so goddamn selfish
Left you hanging, stopped relating
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
(Is it you, is it me)
It's easier to let you go
(Let me breathe)
Let me breathe
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
Is it you, is it me
It's easier to let you go
Breathe
Let me breathe
Breathe
Friday, April 06, 2007
Lost.
Tell me we're alright
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
Scared that we'll come tumbling
Falling apart, yet again
Maybe Im looking beyond
Too far out of my mind
So, tell me we're alright
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
I have no idea where that came from. Just popped outta nowhere? Meh. Poorly written. Kinda reminds me of lyrics though. Oh well. Its out.
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
Scared that we'll come tumbling
Falling apart, yet again
Maybe Im looking beyond
Too far out of my mind
So, tell me we're alright
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
I have no idea where that came from. Just popped outta nowhere? Meh. Poorly written. Kinda reminds me of lyrics though. Oh well. Its out.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Down We Go
Well, I told myself I'd start back up again and keep this updated. So I guess I'll stick to it.
My birthday .... it was, decent. Although I did exactly what I told myself I wouldnt. Lots of regrets from that night. But its alright I guess. I'll learn from it - I hope. I definately wont forget my 18th birthday because of it.
I dont really even remember that much. But sadly enough, I wish I didnt remember any of it. :(
Ive been so incredibly down the past few days. I hate it. My mom, bro and Randy all noticed I even look different. So now its physically effecting me. Gah!
Last night, sitting at the computer, I cried - had to leave the room. Last night, messaging Eric -I cried. Last night, when I went to bed, the moment I layed down - I cried. I cried so much at that moment, I completely passed out. I dont even remember falling asleep. I just know it was around 6am. This morning, when my mom called to wake me up around 4pm - I cried. When I got outta the shower today - I cried.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! I hate this. If all this is just because I missed two of my pills ... this is fucked up! I havent been eating much at all. I have a hell of a time sleeping. I cant let go of everything that went on this weekend. I cant get it through my head that its perfectly fine and I didnt ruin anyones time.
*sigh* Im gonna stop here. I might add more later. It took a lot just to get me to write anything in the first place. I just, havent wanted to. I cant really even talk to anyone. I just wanna be left alone I guess. But at the same time, I dont want anyone to leave me at all.
C'est la fuckin vie!
My birthday .... it was, decent. Although I did exactly what I told myself I wouldnt. Lots of regrets from that night. But its alright I guess. I'll learn from it - I hope. I definately wont forget my 18th birthday because of it.
I dont really even remember that much. But sadly enough, I wish I didnt remember any of it. :(
Ive been so incredibly down the past few days. I hate it. My mom, bro and Randy all noticed I even look different. So now its physically effecting me. Gah!
Last night, sitting at the computer, I cried - had to leave the room. Last night, messaging Eric -I cried. Last night, when I went to bed, the moment I layed down - I cried. I cried so much at that moment, I completely passed out. I dont even remember falling asleep. I just know it was around 6am. This morning, when my mom called to wake me up around 4pm - I cried. When I got outta the shower today - I cried.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! I hate this. If all this is just because I missed two of my pills ... this is fucked up! I havent been eating much at all. I have a hell of a time sleeping. I cant let go of everything that went on this weekend. I cant get it through my head that its perfectly fine and I didnt ruin anyones time.
*sigh* Im gonna stop here. I might add more later. It took a lot just to get me to write anything in the first place. I just, havent wanted to. I cant really even talk to anyone. I just wanna be left alone I guess. But at the same time, I dont want anyone to leave me at all.
C'est la fuckin vie!
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