Everything's been so fucked up recently and I absolutely hate it. I shoulda known that things couldnt hold together forever. But for some reason, ever since I got Pierre, I never thought that'd happen. I never saw things falling apart. At all. With anything. But it's my fault anything happened in the first place. Soooo, I guess I gotta deal with it. Also, that's what I get for not sleeping much when I have to babysit, and not taking my pills. Gah. I try not to regret anything, but it seems that's all I've done recently.
I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. To certain people atleast. I don't know how many times it's gonna take for me to learn from this. It's happened toooo many times. You'd think I woulda learned by now! But ofcourse not, Courty's always gotta learn the hard way. And this time, she's learning the hard way several times in a row. With the same situation! Ugh. Im so fuckin stupid.
I used to say that they've caused me so much fuckin pain, but now I'm beginning to think... no, its not them, its me. Im causing this. Im doing this to myself. Ugh. I got a lot of shit to fix. Ha, I've been saying that for the past like 3-4 years now! Baaaaah.
Kinda feels weird to blog during the day. But you know what, it helps. And since when did time of day matter?! .... Oh wait, maybe cuz Im used to blogging at night, when the days over! Buuut, I havent been blogging as often and things just kinda .... build up. Sooo, I figured Id do it now, so I can continue on with my day. Baaaah. Fuckin sheeps.
Annnnd, now Im hallucinating. Fantastic. I really need sleep. I was thinking of doing so after all my babysitting, but I cant seem to leave my Pierre. And, if I go lay down and get some sleep now, I wont be in bed earlier tonight. Gah. My head hurts. Like a lot. Yay rambles!
I don't want to feel this way. Any of this. I want my happiness back. And there's no one to blame but myself for taking that away. But, things will come together again. Just uhm, need to wait. Wont change in a heartbeat, thats for sure. Sooo, only time will tell.
Now, Im gonna stop rambling. Im really beginning to wonder how I always have so much to say! I email Pierre novels everyday! Then I always have so much to say in here! Gah, I never stop!! I never used to be able to do this. Well, then again, I mentioned in another blog, about how eversince I got rid of Eric, my thoughts are able to come together easier. Sooo, that could be it.
Awh, I want my Trin! *ha, sorry... random, but I heard a little meow from behind me* So I think Im gonna finish this off here. Go grab my Trin, and hope my Pierre says something. *frown*
I miss my Pierre!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
I Want Out!
Today ....... good.
Tonight ........ fucked!!!!
I don't want to remember tonight, nor do I wanna realize anything even happened!
Tonight ........ fucked!!!!
I don't want to remember tonight, nor do I wanna realize anything even happened!
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Smiles Galore
Tonight was absolutely amazing!!!
I dont really have much to say because Im practically speechless. I'll probably add more tomorrow, but at the moment, Im just .... wow. Its very hard to word things. Like I said, Im speechless.
I can say this though .... I finally met my Pierre tonight! That explains why Im the way I am. Everything was just ... ah, it seemed so perfect. I had an amazing night. Im seriously keeping him forever!
Very short post. But tis only cuz Im beyond happy. And I wanna lay down.
Soooo, to bed I go.
....
...
..
.
I love my Pierre!
I dont really have much to say because Im practically speechless. I'll probably add more tomorrow, but at the moment, Im just .... wow. Its very hard to word things. Like I said, Im speechless.
I can say this though .... I finally met my Pierre tonight! That explains why Im the way I am. Everything was just ... ah, it seemed so perfect. I had an amazing night. Im seriously keeping him forever!
Very short post. But tis only cuz Im beyond happy. And I wanna lay down.
Soooo, to bed I go.
....
...
..
.
I love my Pierre!
Friday, April 13, 2007
Wow....
I'm supposed to be heading to bed right now, so I'm just gonna quickly ramble some things.
Not too much to say today, buuut that's because things are going fairly well.
Tonight had it's ups and downs, but in the end, I'm pretty ecstatic. Earlier was pretty messed up, but ofcourse, my Pierre helped turn that around. Infact, the moment I heard him on the phone, it was like nothing even happened. Everything seemed great. I was happy. He has quite the impact on me. I love it. It feels great. Im really glad I have him. I wouldnt trade him in for anything. It almost seems .... weird in a way, like everything happened so fast. Its not so much a bad thing. Not saying we rushed into things too quickly. Its just, Ive grown so attached to him so fast. And the effect he has on me too. Like, a lot of the things, happened quickly. Again, tis not a bad thing. Its not like I want to change things. I like how things are at the moment. I dont want it changed. Maybe Im just rambling. But something seems that way. Maybe its the fact that I just let go of Eric and I had Pierre instantly and well, now Im just finally able to accept the fact Erics gone and Im already falling for Pierre?! .... gah, that could be it. Im not complaining ofcourse. Tis just, a bit .... I wanna say overwhelming, but not so much cuz it makes it seem kinda bad. Its not bad, its perfectly fine. Except for the fact it kinda scares me. I have my reasons. Things I fear, which causes me to hold back and not allow it to happen. Which is bad, but well, I cant really help it.
Here I go, typing a novel again. Sheesh. And I said I had to go to bed. Well, only took me four minutes to type all that. lol So I guess it's not that bad.
Hey that brings me to another thing! I've noticed that eversince Pierre came along, I've been able to get my thoughts into place easier. Im not so confused all the time. I can actually just type away and not have to stop for awhile to figure out whats going on in this head of mine. Everything just kinda ... pours out. It just falls into place. Im not confused or lost. Im more open now - to an extent. Maybe cuz Im not hiding everything? I can like .... wow, I can be free. I dont feel so, held back now.
Honestly it feels like I actually have room to breathe now, with Eric gone. I never really realized all I went through til the thing that caused it all, is gone. Now so much has changed and it hasnt been long since I got rid of him. Makes me realize how much he fucked me up. Was a tough decision that I didnt really want to happen, but Im honestly glad I did so. As much as I hate to say it, but its true. Im much happier now. Surprisingly I can admit that. I could never admit happiness. But thats probably because ... this is true happiness? I feel great. Things are really coming together. Life for once seems .... clear. I honestly never thought Id see this. Never thought Id feel this. Never thought Id face these days. But the littlest things make such a difference. I love it. I love ... life?! Wow. Im really beginning to shock myself now. lol Pierre's like a damn drug! Bringing him in my life, has changed things. Drugs do that. But this a good drug. And it's okay to be addicted to this one! hehe
The world is changed now. I see everything in a positive way - for the most part. Im happier. I can say the things I couldnt before, and honestly mean it. I can actually see a future for once. The worlds finally coloured now. Its not so dark anymore.
That reminds me of a previous post, from March 18th, that I wrote. Titled " |[New Beginning]| " ... thats like, exactly how things are now. When I wrote that, it was kinda true, for that moment. But it left quickly. But now, I can honestly say that thats how I truly feel. Thats how things actually are now.
Life is good for once. I couldnt be happier.
Not too much to say today, buuut that's because things are going fairly well.
Tonight had it's ups and downs, but in the end, I'm pretty ecstatic. Earlier was pretty messed up, but ofcourse, my Pierre helped turn that around. Infact, the moment I heard him on the phone, it was like nothing even happened. Everything seemed great. I was happy. He has quite the impact on me. I love it. It feels great. Im really glad I have him. I wouldnt trade him in for anything. It almost seems .... weird in a way, like everything happened so fast. Its not so much a bad thing. Not saying we rushed into things too quickly. Its just, Ive grown so attached to him so fast. And the effect he has on me too. Like, a lot of the things, happened quickly. Again, tis not a bad thing. Its not like I want to change things. I like how things are at the moment. I dont want it changed. Maybe Im just rambling. But something seems that way. Maybe its the fact that I just let go of Eric and I had Pierre instantly and well, now Im just finally able to accept the fact Erics gone and Im already falling for Pierre?! .... gah, that could be it. Im not complaining ofcourse. Tis just, a bit .... I wanna say overwhelming, but not so much cuz it makes it seem kinda bad. Its not bad, its perfectly fine. Except for the fact it kinda scares me. I have my reasons. Things I fear, which causes me to hold back and not allow it to happen. Which is bad, but well, I cant really help it.
Here I go, typing a novel again. Sheesh. And I said I had to go to bed. Well, only took me four minutes to type all that. lol So I guess it's not that bad.
Hey that brings me to another thing! I've noticed that eversince Pierre came along, I've been able to get my thoughts into place easier. Im not so confused all the time. I can actually just type away and not have to stop for awhile to figure out whats going on in this head of mine. Everything just kinda ... pours out. It just falls into place. Im not confused or lost. Im more open now - to an extent. Maybe cuz Im not hiding everything? I can like .... wow, I can be free. I dont feel so, held back now.
Honestly it feels like I actually have room to breathe now, with Eric gone. I never really realized all I went through til the thing that caused it all, is gone. Now so much has changed and it hasnt been long since I got rid of him. Makes me realize how much he fucked me up. Was a tough decision that I didnt really want to happen, but Im honestly glad I did so. As much as I hate to say it, but its true. Im much happier now. Surprisingly I can admit that. I could never admit happiness. But thats probably because ... this is true happiness? I feel great. Things are really coming together. Life for once seems .... clear. I honestly never thought Id see this. Never thought Id feel this. Never thought Id face these days. But the littlest things make such a difference. I love it. I love ... life?! Wow. Im really beginning to shock myself now. lol Pierre's like a damn drug! Bringing him in my life, has changed things. Drugs do that. But this a good drug. And it's okay to be addicted to this one! hehe
The world is changed now. I see everything in a positive way - for the most part. Im happier. I can say the things I couldnt before, and honestly mean it. I can actually see a future for once. The worlds finally coloured now. Its not so dark anymore.
That reminds me of a previous post, from March 18th, that I wrote. Titled " |[New Beginning]| " ... thats like, exactly how things are now. When I wrote that, it was kinda true, for that moment. But it left quickly. But now, I can honestly say that thats how I truly feel. Thats how things actually are now.
Life is good for once. I couldnt be happier.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Changes
I don't really have much to say today....
It feels weird. Possibly because things are going well for once?
Im not too pleased on the fact Im gonna be doing a lot of babysitting within this week and next week though. gah! Three days this week - doesnt sound too bad. But when its day after day, I find it hard to handle. Thankfully, I made it through yesterday and today, but now its to make it through tomorrow. Then I might have to babysit Saturday, real early in the morning. -_- Til who knows when. Gah. Then Im not sure how many days next week. But next Friday, she needs me at like 730am, for the entire day! GAH! Im gonna die. I can barely handle these kids for the 3-4 hours I have them for. They are soooo hyper'ish and do NOT listen and gaaaah.
See, I love children, but I hate taking care of children like this. They arent that well behaved and they arent raised how I wish they were, so I have some difficulties. All good though. They keep me busy. And Hunter keeps me happy. I could go there all down'ish, but the moment I see that kid smile, I light right up!
Anywho, I didnt expect to go on about babysitting. *_*
Things overall have been pretty decent. Without Eric, things have changed quite a bit. Its kinda shocking. Buuut, Im doing it. Things are better. And it'll just progress throughout the days. Im really glad I have Pierre. He's made things a lot better and Im happy to have him. ^_^
Anywho, I have a sudden craving for Froot Loops so Imma end here. I dont have much more to say anyways.
That shall be all for now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
It feels weird. Possibly because things are going well for once?
Im not too pleased on the fact Im gonna be doing a lot of babysitting within this week and next week though. gah! Three days this week - doesnt sound too bad. But when its day after day, I find it hard to handle. Thankfully, I made it through yesterday and today, but now its to make it through tomorrow. Then I might have to babysit Saturday, real early in the morning. -_- Til who knows when. Gah. Then Im not sure how many days next week. But next Friday, she needs me at like 730am, for the entire day! GAH! Im gonna die. I can barely handle these kids for the 3-4 hours I have them for. They are soooo hyper'ish and do NOT listen and gaaaah.
See, I love children, but I hate taking care of children like this. They arent that well behaved and they arent raised how I wish they were, so I have some difficulties. All good though. They keep me busy. And Hunter keeps me happy. I could go there all down'ish, but the moment I see that kid smile, I light right up!
Anywho, I didnt expect to go on about babysitting. *_*
Things overall have been pretty decent. Without Eric, things have changed quite a bit. Its kinda shocking. Buuut, Im doing it. Things are better. And it'll just progress throughout the days. Im really glad I have Pierre. He's made things a lot better and Im happy to have him. ^_^
Anywho, I have a sudden craving for Froot Loops so Imma end here. I dont have much more to say anyways.
That shall be all for now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Monday, April 09, 2007
So Far Down
Today was absolutely horrible.
I'm not going to say much. I just know I went through a hell of a lot. Things I shouldn't have had to go through in the first place. And the end result was me feeling extremely hurt, angry, shocked, and upset. Im not even going to explain. I dont even remember much of it to begin with. Thats what happens when Courty goes through shit. She blocks it out, without realizing and isnt able to remember it. I just know it was bad. And he dropped me pretty damn hard this time. Bout time I shattered. Gotta love being fragile.
Anyways, I feel incredibly dead. Im like a zombie. My head is killing me. I only slept 3 hours last night. I cried so much in the past three days, Im not even sure Im able to cry anymore. Although I know it'll happen. Cuz thats me.... I cry so fricken often! I wouldnt mind much if I was just, crying a bit here and there. But no, the past three days have been like, full out bawling my eyes out for like 10-15 minutes at a time. Its so draining! Last night before I finally fell asleep, it was 35-40 minutes straight. Gah! I hate the feeling after though. Im like, depressed feeling. Just wanna lay there and stare. Dont wanna be bothered. Just wanna lay there, staring at the ceiling, with no emotions shown. Dead. Thats it. Dead like.
Theres nothing much left to me anymore. Well, thats how it feels atleast. Maybe things will change after today though. Ive gone through quite a bit. Cant expect me to be fine. So I guess we'll see.
I hate this feeling though. I dont want to face tomorrow. Nor do I want to face the rest of today....
This is much more difficult than I thought.
I'm not going to say much. I just know I went through a hell of a lot. Things I shouldn't have had to go through in the first place. And the end result was me feeling extremely hurt, angry, shocked, and upset. Im not even going to explain. I dont even remember much of it to begin with. Thats what happens when Courty goes through shit. She blocks it out, without realizing and isnt able to remember it. I just know it was bad. And he dropped me pretty damn hard this time. Bout time I shattered. Gotta love being fragile.
Anyways, I feel incredibly dead. Im like a zombie. My head is killing me. I only slept 3 hours last night. I cried so much in the past three days, Im not even sure Im able to cry anymore. Although I know it'll happen. Cuz thats me.... I cry so fricken often! I wouldnt mind much if I was just, crying a bit here and there. But no, the past three days have been like, full out bawling my eyes out for like 10-15 minutes at a time. Its so draining! Last night before I finally fell asleep, it was 35-40 minutes straight. Gah! I hate the feeling after though. Im like, depressed feeling. Just wanna lay there and stare. Dont wanna be bothered. Just wanna lay there, staring at the ceiling, with no emotions shown. Dead. Thats it. Dead like.
Theres nothing much left to me anymore. Well, thats how it feels atleast. Maybe things will change after today though. Ive gone through quite a bit. Cant expect me to be fine. So I guess we'll see.
I hate this feeling though. I dont want to face tomorrow. Nor do I want to face the rest of today....
This is much more difficult than I thought.
One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
Ofcourse, just when things are getting back on track, something has to come along and interupt.
Things are great. Im happy with Pierre. Ive been happy majority of my day. But now Ive noticed, that eversince Pierre has come along, people decided to back out. Why? Well, I've questioned them and they claim they 'dont want to get in the way'. Ugh. They wont get in the way. They cant. I dont see how the hell they could! Sure, I have my Pierre, but I dont want to lose the others.
I didnt want this. I wanted happiness. I wanted things to settle down. Things are back on track for once, yet people think they have to back away all of a sudden now that I have Pierre?! Wrong. I may have Pierre, but I still have all the time in the world for everyone else. I have just as much time for them as I did before. I dont want them gone. I dont want things to change. I want things to remain the same. But ofcourse, like always ... I take a step forward, and then I get dragged back again.
*sigh* Here we go again ....
Things are great. Im happy with Pierre. Ive been happy majority of my day. But now Ive noticed, that eversince Pierre has come along, people decided to back out. Why? Well, I've questioned them and they claim they 'dont want to get in the way'. Ugh. They wont get in the way. They cant. I dont see how the hell they could! Sure, I have my Pierre, but I dont want to lose the others.
I didnt want this. I wanted happiness. I wanted things to settle down. Things are back on track for once, yet people think they have to back away all of a sudden now that I have Pierre?! Wrong. I may have Pierre, but I still have all the time in the world for everyone else. I have just as much time for them as I did before. I dont want them gone. I dont want things to change. I want things to remain the same. But ofcourse, like always ... I take a step forward, and then I get dragged back again.
*sigh* Here we go again ....
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Things CAN Turn Around After All
Today had so many ups and downs. But, in the end Im happier than ever. After all Ive been through today, I really didnt think it'd end with happiness. I have one person to thank for that; my Pierre!
So, I'm dropping Eric. Well, I have dropped Eric. I can't deal with it anymore. I'm tired of the head games. Im tired of everything! The pain, hurt, confusion, frustration...etc! It literally drained me. I didnt deserve it. I should've walked away from it long ago. But I always have to learn the hard way. Plus, I loved him to death, I couldnt do it. But with certain people by my side my eyes were wide open and I saw it all for myself. So I did what was right.
I've noticed I am sooo happy when it comes to Pierre. My mom even noticed that with me. She really likes Pierre. So thats a bonus. Anyways, to cut things down - cuz Im so tired of talking about Eric. I made a tough decision tonight. Which was easier than I expected. But I know it's the right thing to do. I let Eric go. I decided to take Pierre's hand and now together we stand.
Only hours in, and I couldnt be happier.
I'd add more, but I'm feeling pretty drained. So I'm looking forward to sleep.
I covered the main things, so that shall be all for now.
*smiles*
YAY GREEN!!!!
So, I'm dropping Eric. Well, I have dropped Eric. I can't deal with it anymore. I'm tired of the head games. Im tired of everything! The pain, hurt, confusion, frustration...etc! It literally drained me. I didnt deserve it. I should've walked away from it long ago. But I always have to learn the hard way. Plus, I loved him to death, I couldnt do it. But with certain people by my side my eyes were wide open and I saw it all for myself. So I did what was right.
I've noticed I am sooo happy when it comes to Pierre. My mom even noticed that with me. She really likes Pierre. So thats a bonus. Anyways, to cut things down - cuz Im so tired of talking about Eric. I made a tough decision tonight. Which was easier than I expected. But I know it's the right thing to do. I let Eric go. I decided to take Pierre's hand and now together we stand.
Only hours in, and I couldnt be happier.
I'd add more, but I'm feeling pretty drained. So I'm looking forward to sleep.
I covered the main things, so that shall be all for now.
*smiles*
YAY GREEN!!!!
Saturday, April 07, 2007
-- Perfect Lyrics --
Adema - Trust
Let me breathe
Let me breathe
I can't even think right now
Something's got me feeling guilty
Hurt you slowly but so surely
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
Pushing into what I want
Because I am so goddamn selfish
Left you hanging, stopped relating
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
(Is it you, is it me)
It's easier to let you go
(Let me breathe)
Let me breathe
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
Is it you, is it me
It's easier to let you go
Breathe
Let me breathe
Breathe
Let me breathe
Let me breathe
I can't even think right now
Something's got me feeling guilty
Hurt you slowly but so surely
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
Pushing into what I want
Because I am so goddamn selfish
Left you hanging, stopped relating
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
(Is it you, is it me)
It's easier to let you go
(Let me breathe)
Let me breathe
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?
I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go
Is it you, is it me
It's easier to let you go
Breathe
Let me breathe
Breathe
Friday, April 06, 2007
Lost.
Tell me we're alright
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
Scared that we'll come tumbling
Falling apart, yet again
Maybe Im looking beyond
Too far out of my mind
So, tell me we're alright
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
I have no idea where that came from. Just popped outta nowhere? Meh. Poorly written. Kinda reminds me of lyrics though. Oh well. Its out.
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
Scared that we'll come tumbling
Falling apart, yet again
Maybe Im looking beyond
Too far out of my mind
So, tell me we're alright
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
I have no idea where that came from. Just popped outta nowhere? Meh. Poorly written. Kinda reminds me of lyrics though. Oh well. Its out.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Down We Go
Well, I told myself I'd start back up again and keep this updated. So I guess I'll stick to it.
My birthday .... it was, decent. Although I did exactly what I told myself I wouldnt. Lots of regrets from that night. But its alright I guess. I'll learn from it - I hope. I definately wont forget my 18th birthday because of it.
I dont really even remember that much. But sadly enough, I wish I didnt remember any of it. :(
Ive been so incredibly down the past few days. I hate it. My mom, bro and Randy all noticed I even look different. So now its physically effecting me. Gah!
Last night, sitting at the computer, I cried - had to leave the room. Last night, messaging Eric -I cried. Last night, when I went to bed, the moment I layed down - I cried. I cried so much at that moment, I completely passed out. I dont even remember falling asleep. I just know it was around 6am. This morning, when my mom called to wake me up around 4pm - I cried. When I got outta the shower today - I cried.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! I hate this. If all this is just because I missed two of my pills ... this is fucked up! I havent been eating much at all. I have a hell of a time sleeping. I cant let go of everything that went on this weekend. I cant get it through my head that its perfectly fine and I didnt ruin anyones time.
*sigh* Im gonna stop here. I might add more later. It took a lot just to get me to write anything in the first place. I just, havent wanted to. I cant really even talk to anyone. I just wanna be left alone I guess. But at the same time, I dont want anyone to leave me at all.
C'est la fuckin vie!
My birthday .... it was, decent. Although I did exactly what I told myself I wouldnt. Lots of regrets from that night. But its alright I guess. I'll learn from it - I hope. I definately wont forget my 18th birthday because of it.
I dont really even remember that much. But sadly enough, I wish I didnt remember any of it. :(
Ive been so incredibly down the past few days. I hate it. My mom, bro and Randy all noticed I even look different. So now its physically effecting me. Gah!
Last night, sitting at the computer, I cried - had to leave the room. Last night, messaging Eric -I cried. Last night, when I went to bed, the moment I layed down - I cried. I cried so much at that moment, I completely passed out. I dont even remember falling asleep. I just know it was around 6am. This morning, when my mom called to wake me up around 4pm - I cried. When I got outta the shower today - I cried.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! I hate this. If all this is just because I missed two of my pills ... this is fucked up! I havent been eating much at all. I have a hell of a time sleeping. I cant let go of everything that went on this weekend. I cant get it through my head that its perfectly fine and I didnt ruin anyones time.
*sigh* Im gonna stop here. I might add more later. It took a lot just to get me to write anything in the first place. I just, havent wanted to. I cant really even talk to anyone. I just wanna be left alone I guess. But at the same time, I dont want anyone to leave me at all.
C'est la fuckin vie!
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