Happy Halloween!!!

Happy Halloween everybody!! Hope you all had a good night. =)
My night was awesome. Turned out even better than I thought. I was happy all day, so that was good. Around 6, I left with my bro and Randy to head to Windsor. We stopped and picked up 'Duke'. Some Asian kid Randy goes to school with. He came to the movies with us. Watched Saw 3. That movie is fuckin amazing!! I loved it. It's so sick and twisted!! For those who have seen the other Saw movies, you HAVE to see this one! It's really twisted, you don't expect what's coming. It's great. Completely surprised me in the end. And this has to be the first movie that actually turns my stomach! lol - I had my arms crossed against my stomach most the time. Usually this kinda stuff doesn't bother me, but this movie actually did turn my stomach! hehe - I'd advise seeing the other Saw movies first before this one, otherwise you might be a little confused. Overall, its a must see!!!
Well I don't know what more to say. I just hope you all had a good Halloween, even if you didn't really do much. Take Care. <3

The Joys Of Halloween

Today was alright. In a decent mood. Carved a pumpkin with my bro. Well, we each did one. I didn't want to. But in the end I had fun and my pumpkin turned out really well. He did a snake (go figure) and I did a cute ghost. hehe - I'm so proud. I ain't fond of carving pumpkins but I love mine! Cody's turned out pretty good too. So in the end, it's all good. Yay For Successful Pumpkin Carving!!! =)


Tomorrow is gonna be pretty busy. Got some running around to do with my mom to get ready for the trick or treaters. *rolls eyes* I'm gonna do some shopping aswell, if I have the time. Then I gotta come home and do what I gotta do and make sure I'm ready to leave. I'm going to see Saw 3 with Cody, Randy and a friend of theirs - Natalie. I don't even know who she is. But I guess I'll find out. She's 19. Well, her birthdays next week. So lets just say she is 19. So it's not too bad. If she was in her 20's like my bro n Randy, then that'd be slightly awkward. We shall see. It'll be interesting.

Well, not much else to say. I miss everyone. Where the hell are youz!? lol - I haven't talked to anyone all day. Where'd you all gooooo!?! ... hehe - It's all good though. I had a decent day. I shall add more later, like always. I'm constantly adding things to this! Even pointless little babbles. hehe - It's what I'm good for!! =)
ttfn <3

Sealed With Lies Through So Many Tears

Okay what the fuck is bugging me!?!? I was doing fine today. Wasn't as happy as I've been lately, but was content enough. But now I actually am down. I was doing so good for the little while. I don't know what's wrong though. I don't know what's getting me down. Maybe I'm just tired? .... I mean, it is going on 3am. But it doesn't seem right. If I was just tired, I'd just be ..... tired. Not upset feeling aswell. I'm pretty tired, but I almost feel like I couldn't sleep right now if I tried. I wish I knew what was bugging me. Then it wouldn't bug me as much, I could fix it/push it aside and actually sleep! Well atleast I enjoyed my happy times while they lasted. I guess I'll atleast try and get some sleep. Probably just lay there for hours with a million thoughts running through my head. I'll eventually sleep..... sometime.
*sigh* Goodnight everyone. =(

Poetic Emotions

Well, I'm thankful for the last few days. Had some happy times. Was quite nice. I really enjoyed it. Today is different. I'm really, mellow. I don't know. I'm not all hyped and happy. But I'm also not all down and depressed. I'm....content? I don't really know. It's like I'm not happy, but I'm not down. It's alright I guess. I just feel all blah. I don't really know what else to say. Not much really to say.... It's like my mind's gone blank. Things are so cloudy and unclear. Can't say much, so might aswell stop here. Blaaaaah!!!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy *dances*

hfd <--- that was Paige. lol

Anyways, wow ... Sammy what did you do to meee?!? lol ... Two happy days in a rooow?! My gawd, I dont even know what to do anymore! lol Im so happy, its not even funny! hehehehe I looove this! Im like prancing around everywhere. Smiles galore. Playing guitarrr!! (becoming an addiction!) Bahahahahhaa ... this is greatness! hehe I dont know what you did to me Sammy, but since yesterday, Ive been soo happy. I've never been this happy in soooo long. It feels great!! Sammy I swear you corrupted me. hehe - I think you like opened me up even more or something. Im surprised you even got me moving with ya! lol - *does the twist* YA BABY!!!! hehe....Man, Im all over the place now. In a good way this time! I cant stop moving. Im like hyped 24/7!!! PEOPLE BEWARRRE!! Mwahahahahahaaaa

Anyways, I started taking my antidepressants yesterday. So this is only day 2. Wont affect me yet, as in noticing a difference. But I do notice some side affects already. I'm tired more often, (jaw hurts from yawning so much! lol) but I have a hell of a time sleeping at night!! hehehehee Oh wellzzz!

Only disadvantage about my days lately, is the fact my asthmas been acting up. Cuz I was running home from the doctors yesterday.... looong story. lol So now my broncular tubes..I feel like a burning sensation when I breathe out. Drives me nuts. lol But hey, Im all happppyyyzzz so its all goooooooood! hehehe Gawd I love life at the moment. Its incredible.

WEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO!!

ttfn - I shall add more soooon. *hugz for all*

(pssst, Paige picked the font colour)
(pssst squared....for those of you that dont know, Paige is my moms friends daughter, shes 10!)'

Ghoztage Twisted Twinzzz!!!!!!

Hoooly Craaaap!!! What a night!! ... I had an amazing day! Im so fricken happy, its unbelievable! I wont be saying much cuz Im wayyyy too far outta my mind to be typing in this so called 'blog' thingy maboberz!!! hehe - Man, Im sooo happy right now!! ... Im so cherishing this moment! aahaha
I had a great time with Sammy today!!! ......Shes even better in person than how I knew her in general! hehe - We better have more times to hang out in the future too dammit!! .... Gotta be the greatest girl I'll ever fricken meet! I sweeeear!!! ... And Jesse is fricken awesome!!!! I totally wasnt expecting him to be so outgoing and crazzzy!!! Great person aswell!! GAAHHH ... Whys me gotta live so far?! hehehe
Anywho, thanks Sammy for an awesome night! ... And Thanks to Jesse aswell!! =) Hope youz had a good time aswell!!!
Baahhahahahahha .... Ive lost myyy mind!!

TO THE MENTAL INSTITUTION!!!!!!!!! *grabs Sammy and off we gooooooo*

teeheehehehehe Goodnight everyone!!!
Hope your day/night was as good as miiiine!!!!!! <3>

Crushed

I need to write. Write. Write. Write. I am raaaaaged!!
Last week, a 'friend' of mine from school - used to be friends with her but now we just talk every so often - she had something in her msn name bout takin 'suicide pics' Wednesday (last week). She now has them up in her myspace and wanted people to comment. I was sickened. I couldn't help it. I commented and mentioned how I hated it. Why would someone even think about taking 'suicide pics'!? ... attention maybe?! Ugh! There was one pic of her 'hanging'. I couldnt stand it! Especially how I myself have lost a loved one to suicide in that same way. It crushes your fuckin soul seeing things like that! And when it's people just messin around like that, it angers me! I'm raged. I'm all over the place. I can't fuckin believe people these days! She left me a comment saying "hey hun..the pics were jut for halloween fun..with me and my friends.. they dont mean ne harm ..sry u feel that way..but im not the only one who has made fake pics.."

First of all, halloween fun?! ... I dont fuckin care! It's not right! It's sickening!!! Can easily have fun in other ways than that, my gawd!! And not the only one that's made fake pics?! .... If that was directed to me, I have no fuckin clue what thats supposed to mean. Cuz I have never taken 'fake pics' like that or anything. I couldn't. Ever! Especially after Alyssa's death. I've lost a chunk of my 'dark side'. Cuz I can't stand to even see the sight of certain things now. People hanging is a major! I can't even look at anything like that. Anything else, well it depends on what it is. I hate ANYTHING indicating suicide though. If she's meaning other people taking fake pics, I dont fuckin care. I dont know those people. I havent seen these pics or anything. So I dont care!!! But the fact that she knew about Alyssa's death, was at the fuckin school the day of...etc And she still has the guts to take these pics and post them! I cant fuckin believe her. I can understand taking the pics maybe for herself, sure. I guess I could handle that. Dont like the idea, but its her fucked up life. Whatever. But the fact she posted them for all to see and begged for comments on them. That's what really gets me. What the hell is wrong with this world?! Or am I just taking this all wrong? I am fuckin scarred after Alyssa's death. I have every right to state my opinion. I have every reason to be raged! I can understand someone wanting attention, but this has gone tooooooooo far!!!!!

Crumbled Lives, Deceased Souls

Where have my days gone
Where has my mind wandered to
Im not the same person
I once thought I knew

These days fly by
Without me
Cloud covered sky
Swarms me

I've lost my mind
Fallen behind
Fading soul
I've lost control

Well that was random ..... Anyways....
These days are passing by without me. I can't keep up. I don't know where this week's gone. It's passed by too quickly. It's already Thursday, late afternoon. Tomorrow's a busy day. It'll be gone in no time. I don't like this. I wish time would slow down, or atleast wait for me. Where has my week gone? -_- I need to find something more to do with my life. I'm wasting my days away. I didn't even wanna get out of bed. I was practically dragged out around quarter to three.
Friday approached too quickly. It's just around the corner. I really don't want to go to the doctors. But I guess Friday night will make up for it. I'll have a good time, I'm sure of it. I can't wait, but I can at the same time. It seems I haven't really had time to 'prepare' myself for tomorrow night. It's almost like it's all happening too quickly. Like being forced into an unwanted situation. Although that's not the case. I'm just worried about the amount and meeting new people. Plus, haven't hung out with Sammy yet. hehe - this outta be interesting. I'm so excited but I just hope tomorrow slows down a bit for me. In the end, Im sure it'll fine!

Pretty In Pain

I'm all over the place. I don't know what I think or feel right now and why. Everything's so scattered! I feel lost or something. I feel really really down right now. But nobodys there to talk to. So Im writing. Whether this makes sense or not, it doesn't matter. I need to do something!

You know what it feels like. It feels like I lost someone. Almost like someone close to me has died or something. But nobody has. I don't know. Something hurts. Like a lot!! I don't know why or what's causing it though. I feel helpless. I feel like a failure. I'm beatin myself up over not opening up to Eric today though. I should've. But I didnt and there's nothing I can do about it now. I'd email him and explain what's going on, but I think it'd be best to actually talk to him. Things need to be said and something needs to be done. I can't keep going on like this. And it's my fault I'm like this now. It's not really his fault I feel this way. And I keep fucking things up over it! I wish I could talk to him more. Things wouldn't be so bad. It's not his fault though. He has a life too. He has things to do. Won't be till like next week we actually get to talk though. We really need to talk. But I'm so scared I'll lose him even more. I'm scared he's gonna run. That's all I'd need right now.... I'd literally lose myself. I'd be long gone. There'd be no more of me. That'd be it.

I had more to say to this. But I completely just lost all thought. More than likely hiding again. To the point I cant think or feel anything. I hide so far in myself. All I can do is stare. I cant think straight. There are no thoughts. I cant feel anything. Nothing. Which is good, but bad. So this will be all for now.

Pull The Trigger

Well Court, you've done it again. You finally get a chance to talk to him. And you fuck it all up again! What the hell is wrong with you?!!? You can't just go straight out and tell him how you feel? Tell him the fuckin pain you've been going through? Tell him how fucked up it seems and how much it fuckin hurts?! ..... How it seems like he's never there?! Like he doesn't care...etc!! My gawd! You need to sort your fuckin thoughts. You seriously need to pull yourself together. Instead of talking and making things work, you're fuckin it up even more!! Way to go Court!

Acceptable Outcome

Update. I talked to him today. I questioned him aswell. Things aren't as they seem. So it's all good. He said he'll talk to the bitch about it. He didn't have a clue where it came from. So they aren't together like she says. Things are good then, if he is telling the truth. So in the end, it turned out well. I hope it stays that way too. If I hear anymore, someone's gonna die!!!!!

From Heaven To Hell

Well I had an interesting night. Kerri came over and spent the night with me. We had an awesome time!! Although we mainly did a lot of talking and catching up with each other. It felt really good to be able to talk to someone!! Have them listen and understand. I really missed her dammit! lol ... We'll be keeping in touch much more often though. So it'll be all good. =) We coulda had a good time without gettin fucked outta our minds. =| ... but it felt good to leave things behind for the time being. hehe - I admit, I was pretty down last night, but I tried to hide it and enjoy the moment. I didn't wanna ruin our time together and bring Ker down with me. So in the end it was alright. I had a hell of a time sleeping last night though! I had the weirdest dream and it wasnt too pleasant. I kept waking up like every 15 minutes! Drove me nuts. I hated it. I was also texting a bunch of people last night when I was in bed, I didnt even realize til this morning when I was going through my texts. It was kinda funny though. I don't even remember texting these things. =| But it was a pretty good night overall. I've been in better moods the past few days. Not as bad as usual. I'm starting to push things aside, which isnt the best, but it works for now. =)

Today's Sammy's birthday!!! YAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMMY!! I'm so excited for Friday! Can't wait to hang out. Imma try my best not to be so shy. hehe - It'll all be good though!

Well, I've decided to give up. I've decided it's not really worth being so down over all this shit lately. I'm not contacting him for awhile. I'll see how things go and go from there. I'm tired of chasing him all the time, being so hurt and feeling horrible. I don't deserve this shit. Whether it's true or not...I'm stayin away for awhile. We'll see what happens. But it hurts so bad! I don't know what's going on, so all I can do is wait to see what goes on and see what happens. Hopefully get some answers sometime. I don't understand why I'm being put through all this. What the hell did I do?! I've already been put through it once, and I got thrown to the curb in the end. Now I'm being put through it all again, and all I can do is sit here clueless, suffering in pain from all this shit. Whatever, I can't do anything about it. Just sit and wait. So here I am, sitting and waiting for some answers. Seeing if he even comes around. If I even matter really. We will see in the end. As of now..... FUCK YOU!!! .... and Im not meaning that towards him either, Im meaning it towards his fuckin 'girlfriend'! I don't even know what to think or feel towards him. So whatever!

Just An Average Girl

Everyone should watch this atleast once in their life.

http://www.doubleagent.com/video.php?v=1132&ct=37

Where Old Turns New

Even In Death
[Evanescence]

Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home

I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side, Oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me

And I can't love you, anymore than I do

I will die, but real love is forever.

She can't have you dammit!! No matter what they say!! You're mine!!! I won't go through this all again. I won't let you go!!!
But how could you do this to me?!?! ... again!! ='( This fuckin hurts!
SHE CANT HAAAVE YOOOU!!!!!!!!! ='(

Last In Line

Well today fuckin sucked ass! Things were alright, my moods weren't too bad actually. And well, the loved one finally came around again, talked to him for a bit, but he disappeared once again. Never heard from him again. No surprise. =) I don't know what the hells going on anymore. I'd like to! Anyways, enough with that. I won't even get into that today.....

Day wasn't too bad. Good friend was having issues so I invited her over for the night and things were going good. She was gonna come over after work, at 930. Then suddenly at 7, I had to babysit. She was allowed to come with me, if I was still there when she was done work. But she decided to cancel plans. Real great! She said she had to work in the morning anyways (she didnt find out til after work) and we'll make it another day. I didn't let it get to me too much, although it did kinda bother me. I haven't really hung out with anyone since like, beginning of September. It woulda been nice to spend time with someone. Have someone to talk to. Someone to listen to me. Have someone to tell me it WILL be okay. Someone to confide in. Someone to support me. Give me comfort..... I was so happy when she was supposed to come over, but nope, things decided to fall apart like usual. I figured, well maybe I'll get to go home soon and hang out with my bro and his friend again. That was another plan in mind anyways. But nope, they went cruising without me cuz I'm still fuckin babysitting! My entire day practically ruined. Plan after plan after plan. All ruined. The parents of the kids Im babysitting called me to see if they could go to the bar aswell, and I told them to go ahead, cuz I didnt figure they'd be too much longer, and I didnt wanna ruin their plans. Although mine were ruined! So I let them go, and here I am, midnight, still babysitting! Ofcourse, me being me - I just had to say I'd babysit. I just had to say that they could stay out longer. Yup, ofcourse. I wanted THEM to go out and have fun, even though I'm stuck here with my plans ruined. Real great Court! This is fan-fuckin-tabulous! It really is! Think maybe next time she'll fuckin learn!? Nope, ofcourse not. Cuz lil Courty here, has a fuckin problem with saying no. She always puts everyone before her! Always cares about other peoples happiness instead. Always Always Always, is she the last in line. Why? Cuz she puts herself there and allows it!!! Ugh!

Well, on a good note ........ uhm ...... guess there is no good note. Okay..... I guess I'll end here.

Hope everyone had a good day! =)

Dead End

Today was alright I guess. I was a bit happier than the past week atleast. But I did have my 'low' moments today. I went shopping with my mom, did some running around. Then had to rush home and babysit. It wasn't that bad. Came home and was online for a bit. I cant remember after that. =s Then I went for a cruise with the boyz again. It was amazing. We took a three hour cruise, got lost and everything. Ended up in Staples. I got us there somehow. lol My bro and I switched seats and I sat in the front so I could stick my head out the window and such. I had like half my body out, screaming and letting the wind take me away! It was great. But Randy let me stear for awhile, (kinda difficult to stear from passenger seat but I learned some things too) but I took a turn and ended up in Staples. lol It was awesome though. I really enjoy the time with them. It's like I leave everything else behind. Its just me, in that moment. I feel so free and peaceful during those times. I really enjoyed it. But on the way home, I noticed things going downhill. I dont know whats going on anymore.

I dont know what the hell is wrong with me! I was hoping to have a day without being so down like I've been lately. The day seemed to be heading in a good direction till not too long ago, now things seem so ... rough again. Im so fricken down and I HATE it. Why can't I just live my life in fuckin peace?! Im so sick of this shit! Im beginning to slightly piece things together though. I know one thing that gets me down - not as down as I get now, but it adds to it. And that is, the one most important person in my life, seems to have left. I need them more than anything right now, and I dont even get a single thing from them! Im not blaming them, or anything like that. I just feel so fuckin alone!! I dont know. I feel like he wants nothing to do with me now. Like I am nothing to him. Thats just how it feels, its not like they did anything wrong. I just dont know what the hell is going on anymore! Cant even fuckin contact me or anything!?!?!!! Not even a simple "hello, how are you? Im okay, dont worry about me" ... nope, not even that. So here I am, fuckin blaming myself again. Thinking I did something wrong, thinking he wants nothing to do with me, thinking Ive fuckin lost the one I love! IT FUCKIN HURTS!!!! Not his fault, not blaming him, nothing. I dont mean to make him feel bad, just saying how I feel! I just want out of all this. Im so close to the end, but so far at the same time. I want some fuckin comfort! But you know what? .... NOBODYS THERE!!! I dont even know what to do anymore. I give up. Why the hell am I even here?! This is like fuckin torture. Dealing with all this shit, ON MY OWN, having to live through it, no way out, no choice, just live in pain, sadness, worry, anxiety, grief, heartache, hurt and suffering. I get to fuckin suffer! Isnt that just the best thing in the world?! Fuckin suffering!? ... nothing to hold on to and atleast have hope, no comfort ... nothing. This is fuckin hell and I cant deal with this anymore!!!!

Found out my doctors appointment is Friday.... question is, can I fuckin handle it that much longer?! This is getting unbearable. I cant fuckin live through this shit. It'd help if I had someone to lean on, something to hold onto. Keep me sane, keep me alive, keep me safe. Atleast let me feel loved and cared about.... ='( WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU MOST?!?!?!?!!??!

......So close to the edge, but so far from falling....Just let go of me, let me fuckin fall to the end of it all!!!
I've had enough. Put me outta my fuckin misery already. ='( I cant take anymore! I can only handle so much, and this is far more than that amount!

But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape

You think that I can't see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You're left to face yourself alone

The Beginning....

Well, decided to make a blog. This outta be interesting.
Today was pretty hectic. Well, this whole week's been pretty hectic. I've finally decided I've had enough and am seeking help. I have a doctors appointment next week about my 'depression' - among other things, so we'll see how it goes. I'm scared to see whats gonna happen, but it's for the better, right? I just want all this shit to end. I don't know why or how I got in this mess, but I guess we'll figure it all out sooner or later. Three years of depression ain't easy, that's for sure. So it's about time I get better and be happy for once......whatever 'happy' is. On the other hand, It's gonna be pretty difficult. I almost don't wanna let go of this 'person' I've become. I'm kinda scared to let go of all this. I've grown 'attached' to it all. It almost feels 'normal' to be all depressed and such, but it's the only thing I know now. I don't know what it's truly like to be happy or anything along that line. It's gonna be a big change. But I guess only time will tell...

Tonight was really odd. I had like a total break down. I was chattin online, perfectly fine. My brother and his friend come back from who knows where, and I was told to move cuz I was in his chair (also on his laptop). I knew this and was signing out in the process. I snapped at my mom and bro cuz it was like they were being pushy about it. I headed upstairs to my room and in the meantime, my bro was near and asked what the hell my problem was. I didnt even think about it, and the words "fuck you!" came out. By the time I reached my bedroom door, I realized what all just happened and couldn't figure it out. I instantly started bawling. I felt bad and couldn't make sense of it. It just came outta nowhere. I didn't mean to be such a bitch or anything. They didn't really do anything. I don't know why it happened. My moods are all over the place. In that amount of time, I went from content to angry to snapping to bawling to depressed then happy'ish. It's so fucked. Like there's no reason for half of this. No wonder people think I'm bi-polar. =( I feel sorry for everyone around me. I've been trying to keep distant from good close friends, or anyone for that matter. I don't wanna drag them down with me. I'm trying to keep them outta this mess, till I atleast get things sorted out. It's not like I'm trying to push them away, I just don't want to lose them, cause problems or anything like that. I love them all to death and they have lives of their own. I'd rather see me go down on my own, than dragging them with me. Makes me feel bad.
Well on a good note, I had a good cry today. Feel somewhat better. Although I've cried a good like four times every day all week. But when I snapped at my mom and bro, I completely broke down. I was pacing my floors, having a fit. Then curled up on my bed, kicking, screaming, the whole works. Then did something I almost regret now - only cuz I let the two most important people in my life down. I practically promised them something and broke it. I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't help it. It was my escape. It was my only way free from that moment. It did make me feel better, but now I gotta deal with how I let them down. I really need to put an end to all this. Which is why I'm getting help. Well, not really. Kinda. Maybe. I admit, I know I need help. But honestly, I'm not really doing it for me. Well I kinda am. But I didn't actually go out and get help for me. I did it cuz the closest people to me, have been trying to get me to get help for the longest time. I don't want to worry them. I don't want them upset or anything. I want them happy. And I know that seeing me get help, will make them proud and happy. So I did it. And I'm gonna get help. And Im gonna get better. I guess in the end it is a win-win situation. I just thank them for putting up with me, sticking by my side no matter what and most of all, caring about me. If it wasn't for them, who knows where I'd be right now. Honestly, if I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't even be here right now. They are the main reason I've hung on this long. I love you guys!!

Well I guess this'll be all for now. Kinda lengthy, but oh well, it works.