Dead End

Today was alright I guess. I was a bit happier than the past week atleast. But I did have my 'low' moments today. I went shopping with my mom, did some running around. Then had to rush home and babysit. It wasn't that bad. Came home and was online for a bit. I cant remember after that. =s Then I went for a cruise with the boyz again. It was amazing. We took a three hour cruise, got lost and everything. Ended up in Staples. I got us there somehow. lol My bro and I switched seats and I sat in the front so I could stick my head out the window and such. I had like half my body out, screaming and letting the wind take me away! It was great. But Randy let me stear for awhile, (kinda difficult to stear from passenger seat but I learned some things too) but I took a turn and ended up in Staples. lol It was awesome though. I really enjoy the time with them. It's like I leave everything else behind. Its just me, in that moment. I feel so free and peaceful during those times. I really enjoyed it. But on the way home, I noticed things going downhill. I dont know whats going on anymore.

I dont know what the hell is wrong with me! I was hoping to have a day without being so down like I've been lately. The day seemed to be heading in a good direction till not too long ago, now things seem so ... rough again. Im so fricken down and I HATE it. Why can't I just live my life in fuckin peace?! Im so sick of this shit! Im beginning to slightly piece things together though. I know one thing that gets me down - not as down as I get now, but it adds to it. And that is, the one most important person in my life, seems to have left. I need them more than anything right now, and I dont even get a single thing from them! Im not blaming them, or anything like that. I just feel so fuckin alone!! I dont know. I feel like he wants nothing to do with me now. Like I am nothing to him. Thats just how it feels, its not like they did anything wrong. I just dont know what the hell is going on anymore! Cant even fuckin contact me or anything!?!?!!! Not even a simple "hello, how are you? Im okay, dont worry about me" ... nope, not even that. So here I am, fuckin blaming myself again. Thinking I did something wrong, thinking he wants nothing to do with me, thinking Ive fuckin lost the one I love! IT FUCKIN HURTS!!!! Not his fault, not blaming him, nothing. I dont mean to make him feel bad, just saying how I feel! I just want out of all this. Im so close to the end, but so far at the same time. I want some fuckin comfort! But you know what? .... NOBODYS THERE!!! I dont even know what to do anymore. I give up. Why the hell am I even here?! This is like fuckin torture. Dealing with all this shit, ON MY OWN, having to live through it, no way out, no choice, just live in pain, sadness, worry, anxiety, grief, heartache, hurt and suffering. I get to fuckin suffer! Isnt that just the best thing in the world?! Fuckin suffering!? ... nothing to hold on to and atleast have hope, no comfort ... nothing. This is fuckin hell and I cant deal with this anymore!!!!

Found out my doctors appointment is Friday.... question is, can I fuckin handle it that much longer?! This is getting unbearable. I cant fuckin live through this shit. It'd help if I had someone to lean on, something to hold onto. Keep me sane, keep me alive, keep me safe. Atleast let me feel loved and cared about.... ='( WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU MOST?!?!?!?!!??!

......So close to the edge, but so far from falling....Just let go of me, let me fuckin fall to the end of it all!!!
I've had enough. Put me outta my fuckin misery already. ='( I cant take anymore! I can only handle so much, and this is far more than that amount!

But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape

You think that I can't see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You're left to face yourself alone