The Beginning....

Well, decided to make a blog. This outta be interesting.
Today was pretty hectic. Well, this whole week's been pretty hectic. I've finally decided I've had enough and am seeking help. I have a doctors appointment next week about my 'depression' - among other things, so we'll see how it goes. I'm scared to see whats gonna happen, but it's for the better, right? I just want all this shit to end. I don't know why or how I got in this mess, but I guess we'll figure it all out sooner or later. Three years of depression ain't easy, that's for sure. So it's about time I get better and be happy for once......whatever 'happy' is. On the other hand, It's gonna be pretty difficult. I almost don't wanna let go of this 'person' I've become. I'm kinda scared to let go of all this. I've grown 'attached' to it all. It almost feels 'normal' to be all depressed and such, but it's the only thing I know now. I don't know what it's truly like to be happy or anything along that line. It's gonna be a big change. But I guess only time will tell...

Tonight was really odd. I had like a total break down. I was chattin online, perfectly fine. My brother and his friend come back from who knows where, and I was told to move cuz I was in his chair (also on his laptop). I knew this and was signing out in the process. I snapped at my mom and bro cuz it was like they were being pushy about it. I headed upstairs to my room and in the meantime, my bro was near and asked what the hell my problem was. I didnt even think about it, and the words "fuck you!" came out. By the time I reached my bedroom door, I realized what all just happened and couldn't figure it out. I instantly started bawling. I felt bad and couldn't make sense of it. It just came outta nowhere. I didn't mean to be such a bitch or anything. They didn't really do anything. I don't know why it happened. My moods are all over the place. In that amount of time, I went from content to angry to snapping to bawling to depressed then happy'ish. It's so fucked. Like there's no reason for half of this. No wonder people think I'm bi-polar. =( I feel sorry for everyone around me. I've been trying to keep distant from good close friends, or anyone for that matter. I don't wanna drag them down with me. I'm trying to keep them outta this mess, till I atleast get things sorted out. It's not like I'm trying to push them away, I just don't want to lose them, cause problems or anything like that. I love them all to death and they have lives of their own. I'd rather see me go down on my own, than dragging them with me. Makes me feel bad.
Well on a good note, I had a good cry today. Feel somewhat better. Although I've cried a good like four times every day all week. But when I snapped at my mom and bro, I completely broke down. I was pacing my floors, having a fit. Then curled up on my bed, kicking, screaming, the whole works. Then did something I almost regret now - only cuz I let the two most important people in my life down. I practically promised them something and broke it. I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't help it. It was my escape. It was my only way free from that moment. It did make me feel better, but now I gotta deal with how I let them down. I really need to put an end to all this. Which is why I'm getting help. Well, not really. Kinda. Maybe. I admit, I know I need help. But honestly, I'm not really doing it for me. Well I kinda am. But I didn't actually go out and get help for me. I did it cuz the closest people to me, have been trying to get me to get help for the longest time. I don't want to worry them. I don't want them upset or anything. I want them happy. And I know that seeing me get help, will make them proud and happy. So I did it. And I'm gonna get help. And Im gonna get better. I guess in the end it is a win-win situation. I just thank them for putting up with me, sticking by my side no matter what and most of all, caring about me. If it wasn't for them, who knows where I'd be right now. Honestly, if I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't even be here right now. They are the main reason I've hung on this long. I love you guys!!

Well I guess this'll be all for now. Kinda lengthy, but oh well, it works.