You Fuckin Bastard!

You can't do that to someone!
People have feelings.
People are fragile.
You can't just play them like a game.
You can't just do as you wish.
You need to think about the other.
But you just act.
You just act away.
You don't care.
Do you even take time to think?!
You've hurt me.
You've hurt me several times.
You've hurt me bad!
But once again, you walk away.
Smile on your face.
Heart in one piece.
Her hand in yours.

What the fuck were you thinking?!
Did you ever care?!
Did you ever speak the truth?!
Or was it all lies...
Every bit of it.
Just as I thought.
I can't fucking believe you!
You aren't who I thought you were.

You can't do this to someone!
How do you live like this?
How do you play them so easily?
How do you sleep at night?!
Does it even matter?
Any of it?
Do you care who you hurt?
Do you care how they feel?
I don't think so!

You can't fuckin do this to someone!!!!
.... Especially the one you 'love'.
It really fucks someone up!
I only wish I could put you through this.
Make you feel the pain.
See how you fuckin feel!!

FUCK YOU!!

Surfing The Clouds

Man what a weekend. Well, Thursday on ...

Kerri slept over Thursday night. That was quite nice. Then she slept over again Friday night. Was awesome. Although, I babysat sooo much lately. Yesterday I babysat 4-730. Then right after that, was sent somewhere else to babysit 3 more kids. Til midnight! Gah. Then I had to babysit again today 4-730. Might have to go back again tonight. I'm so drained. I feel like Imma pass out or something. Plus, don't feel like eating, so that probably doesn't help. Overall, this was a pretty good weekend. Had a great time.

I have a nice fricken bump on my head too, hurts like a bitch. Can't even lightly touch it. lol
When I got home last night from babysitting, my mom wouldn't let Kerri and I past her to get to my room unless we had ID. We didn't have anything on us to show her. So she wouldn't let us through. lol Well, I decided to try leaping over her to get past. I did this a good 8 times. Went from trying to climb over her, to running and like flying over her! lol Well the very last time I did it, I was like upside down. My feet were touching the top of the fridge, part of my body touching my mom and my head was on the floor. I went to move and my head slammed right into the bottom stair. My neck cracked too. That hurt. But I couldn't help but laugh. Then after that I just went and got stoned with Kerri anyways, so it was all good. Til I woke up this morning. haha ... I almost feel like I'm becoming a pot-head. I like have to do it everyday now. Probably isn't good. I love the feeling though. I feel great when high. Obviously. =P But like, I depend on it daily. Especially lately when I've been busy. I'd come home and smoke. Just relax. Feels great. Makes life much easier. But I don't wanna start depending on it too much. But to me, there's nothing wrong with it. Why should I not do it? ... I could care less. It makes me feel real good. It's not interfering with my life. There's nobody to stop for. Who cares.
Eversince I started keeping my distance and forgetting about Eric, I've been like running wild. Doing everything and anything I shouldn't or couldn't do. I guess in a way that's bad. But ah well. Like I do everything and anything now. It's insane. But I really don't care. =)

I'm happy ... doesn't that matter?

Too Far In My Mind

I had a pretty good day I suppose. Kerri and Shane took me out for dinner. =) That was quite nice. Even though things didn't go as planned, but it turned out alright!

Kerri slept over. I love having her around. I'm so glad we're hanging out more like we wanted. It's great.

I don't have much to say about today ... I'm so tired. I'm extremely out of it anyways, so I'm hoping I'll have more to say tomorrow or something.

Plus, all of tonight, I've been really 'not with it'. Like, thinking too much. Going too far into life. Thinking about things you don't really think about or even wonder about. Just everything in general. It's really odd.
One thing I really loved, was just laying back on my bed, stoned outta your mind. Just laying there staring up at the ceiling, thinking about life in general. Wondering about things you never have time to think about...etc. Stupid little things like, "I wonder how we got here". Odd things like that. (although I dont really think about that one :P)
I remember mentioning to Kerri today, about how Doctors are always telling us we shouldn't drink, smoke or do drugs. But I bet atleast half of them smoke, drink or even do drugs, quite often. I don't know why I mentioned it. Well I do but it's hard to word. It was real random though.
I've been thinking a lot lately, about the fact we are put on this earth, just live our lives. Doing all we do... then just die. Like what's the point of even doing all we do, if we're just gonna die. Like work our asses off, raise a family, pay rent, bills and all that other crap, go through schooling...etc. And we just die? .... It's really messed up. I don't get it. I don't see a point.. I dunno. Does that even make sense? =S I doubt it. But thats what I've been thinking about. It's hard to word, but I tried.
But yeah, I'm rambling. I'll end this. Heading to bed anyways.

Silence, A Sound So Familiar

(This is not a poem. It's a piece of my mind)

krad os smees tI
peels ot gniyrt ereht yal I
si ti emit tahw rettam oN
ytilaer morf yawa pils nac I oS
lleh rehtona ot flesym emocleW
snoitpecxe htiw enO
ereht srettam gnihtoN
gnihtyna leef t'nac uoY
ecalp otni sknis tsuj lla tI
ton ro stif ti rehtehW
ereht rettam t'nseod tI
retfa noos tuB
eno erauqs ta kcab m'I dna enog s'tI
ereh krad os sleef tI
selcric ni gninnur m'I
sdne reven tsuj tI
esnes sekam gnihtoN
eil a otni snrut gnihtyrevE
?thgir s'tahW
?gnorw s'tahW
wonk reven ll'I
sduolc eht hguorht pils dluoc I hsiW
yks eht hguorht raos dnA
sgniw tub gnihton leeF
ezeerb tcefrep eht dnA
luos ym otni tleM
eromyna srettam reve gnihton dnA
yppah m'I
...ereh krad os s'ti tuB

A Step From The Clouds. A Leap To Existence. Sensibility.

Everyone!! I have good news upon more good news! lol Well I guess it's good news.
I'm moving on people!!! I'm moving onnn!!! =D haha ... It's good news.

Today was absolutely amazing. I had a great day! Went as follows:

• Woke up at 4pm (I know, horrible! lol)
• Showered
• Got dressed
• Texted Shane
  
• Dried my hair
• Did laundry
• Chatted online a bit
• Ate a tad bit
• Around 6, Shane arrived
• Took me to Timmies
• Came back. Got stoned.
• Watched tv a bit and talked
• Around 830, we left for bowling!
• Got to the bowling alley early
• Decided to get something to drink while we waited
• Talked a bit while waiting
• 915, finally able to bowl! haha
• Played 17 games. One tied. Shane won one. I won the rest.
• Mwahaha, I rule! =P
• I got really dizzy somewhere in here, when bowling. Thought I was gonna pass out.
• Decided to go outside for fresh air.
  
• Also, I beat my highest score (101) - I got 116 today! GO MEEE!!
• During that game, I got 5 strikes. WooT!
  
• Around 1145, left the bowling alley
• Went back to my house
• Got stoned.
• Talked. Talked. Talked.Talked.
• Texted each other. (haha, like an inch away) =\
• Around 115, Shane left.
• I went and hit around a ball with Cody and Randy.
• Asked how everyone was and how their night was.
• Hopped online after about an hour of that game.
• Randy kidnapped me.
• Next thing you know, all three of us are in my room.
• With the black light on.
• I get stoned again.
• I try to get the boys to take atleast one toke.
• They do. =) Imma good influence!
• ......(skipping after that).......
• Came downstairs after and here I am!!

I was in a really good mood all day long. It was amazing. It feels great being single. I mean, as actually being able to get out and do what I want. I just felt so happy and above the world all day. Possibly because I got stoned three different times, but still!!! I was talking to Randy a few minutes ago. I've decided, I'm going to try and get a girlfriend instead. It's been awhile since I've dated a female. I'm tired of hiding it. I don't care what my mom thinks anymore. =) So we shall see how it goes. Possibly meet some people in the process. I'm quite excited. I'm getting out and doing a lot more now. Like the past few days have been busy. I've actually done things! It's great. I love how I feel. And with me being this happy, it feels even better to move on. I feel like I actually have the strength, I'm not letting it bring me down. I'm happy, not sad! I'm getting out and doing everything I can and want. I'm not isolating myself in my room, crying my eyes out. I'm happier than ever! I'm enjoying my life!
Everything with Eric doesn't really upset me. It doesn't bring me down. It actually really pisses me off! I hate what he's done. I hate that I don't know the truth. I hate that I played along for so long...etc. But it's all good. I'm happy. I like it that way. He can live his life. And I hope in the end, he realizes what he's lost. Hey, ya snooze, ya lose. Sorry buddy, you've had your chance. More than you deserved. He better enjoy Sara and all the others. Hope they're all worth it. He's seriously missing out. =) Gawd.

Anyways, happiness is surrounding meeee!!! I've felt great. But this is just day one. Moving on will get harder. But not if I don't let it. Mwahahaha!! This is a good thing Court, not bad. Consider it a lesson learned, move on and enjoy it all! Live each day to the fullest. You're free now. You did the right things today...all of it. You deserved every bit of it. You had a great day. You didn't let anything get to you. Now keep it up! ... Okay Im done talking to myself. :$

I was so glad to see Shane. I haven't hung out with him in a long time! I had a great time. I felt so spoiled though. lol He bought me Timmies, paid my way bowling, bought me a slush, got me stoned, twice....etc Geeez! lol It was great though. It was amazing. I can't wait to hang out with him and Kerri though. I hung out with Kerri Thursday and Shane Saturday. lol But not all of us together! haha - The day will come soon enough! I'll make sure of it. Anyways, I don't even think I can really put it to words. lol It was fantabulous... and beyond!!! I love friends. =) .... True friends atleast. hehe

I hope everyones day was good.
This day was the best in a loooong time!!
I'm so happy!!! =)
Goodnight.
<3

Forget All The Things I Should've Said

I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm at the end of the rope. I can't take this anymore! I don't fuckin deserve this! ... or do I!? I'm tired of being clueless. I'm tired of the arguments. I'm tired of feeling so much pain, on a daily basis. I'm tired of feeling like you don't care. I'm tired of the thoughts of you two together. I'm tired of trying to fight for you to just notice me. I'm tired of trying to get you to just, talk to me. I'm tired of trying to fight the others, defending you. I want to feel like I can comfortably talk to you. I don't want to be scared of you. I don't want to be scared to open up. I don't want to leave you alone. I hate feeling so distant from you. I hate feeling like you don't care. I hate feeling like you don't have time for me. If you loved me enough, you'd find a way to contact me. I'd feel like you truly loved and cared for me like you say you do. I wouldn't feel so much pain. I wouldn't be constantly wondering about things between us. I wish I knew what happened. I miss how things used to be. You used to email me all the time, just to say you loved me, hope I have a good day, just to check in. You used to call me almost every night. Even if it was pointless, useless conversations, it didn't matter. We were happy to just hear each other speak. I felt so wanted, loved, cared for and...special. You used to treat me so well. I actually felt so loved and cared about then. You made me feel so good. I felt so close to you. I could tell you anything. You listened, you were there for me. Now, I feel like I'm chasing after you. I shouldn't have to do that! I try to contact you, but get nothing in return. When we do talk, it's arguments. We practically can't talk anymore. It seems we can't have decent conversations anymore. We're so distant. I hate it. It's tearing me apart. We're falling apart!
I understand you work a lot. I understand you take any shift possible so you can have money for college. I understand all of that. But when I was scared we'd lose contact when you first got the job, you reassured me you'd have weekends off to spend with me. I haven't seen you since you started working. Or maybe it just doesn't matter anymore. You work too much. I'm outta the picture. But I guess it doesn't matter. You have the one you need, right by your side. You don't need me. She lives there. I'm out of your way. You don't need me anymore....


Mood: Depressed/Shattered
Song(s): Roadside by Rise Against -//- Epiphany by Staind

[ w ί т н đ я а w и ]

I realized that drugs can't take away your pain.
They can't change things for you.
Infact, they can make things worse.
Like tonight.
I almost regret it.
But either way, I'd be like this no matter what.
I want this all to end.
I can't put up with this much longer.
I need help.
Before it's too late.
=(

As Darkness Settles

I desperately need someone to talk to.
Not just anyone either.
It seems the person I was willing to talk to, wasn't there for me though.
Imma lose myself sooner or later...
But I guess time will tell.

In The Shadows...

Four in the fricken morning and I can't sleep. I went to sleep around twelve. Was upset and didn't have any other choice. Randomly woke up around two-thirty. Went to the washroom, sat in the living room for like five minutes, then went to bed again. I couldn't sleep. I was lying there in and out of sleep from two-thirty until about three-thirty. Not sure if I'd call it sleeping though. It's where you're somewhat dreaming, eyes closed and everything but you can still hear and know what's going on around you. I began to think things I really shouldn't think in the first place. They began to scare me. The thoughts became a nightmare. I tried my hardest to try to get back to sleep. I did all I could, in fear of getting up and putting myself in danger. I finally decided to get up and go sit in the living room with my bro. Atleast then I was surrounded by someone, knowing I can't get away with anything stupid. I couldn't just lye there. The thoughts were too extreme. I watched tv for a bit and now, here I am. I really want to go to bed. I've only slept two hours, I shouldn't be up! But I'm so wide awake, I hate it. I don't want to go back to bed unless I know I can go right to sleep. I don't want to face those thoughts again. I can't stand lying there awake.
I really can't run from these thoughts, can I? Now they haunt me in my dreams. Will I ever be at peace? I just want this all to end .... =(

It's Always Raining In My Head

I won't lie. I'm not alright. I'm really down. I hate it. Something's not right somewhere. And once again, nobodys there. This is great. I'm really enjoying this...... not. I don't even know what to do. There's nobody to talk to. Eric just went to bed, not even realizing something's wrong. (go figure) I might aswell just go isolate myself like usual. I should be used to this by now.

I hate this!!!

Yayness Inna Tug Boat!

Wow, seems like it's been forever since I added to this. Guess I've been too carried away with my life. lol - Things have been really good. I've had my bad days, but things are really starting to come together and I couldn't be happier! Well I could, but I won't complain. lol - Things between Eric and I are finally straightening out. Which feels really good. I'm really glad things are getting better, with everything really. Except today, had a random outburst and things seemed like they were before. Which isn't good. =\ I completely snapped at my mom, yelling at the top of my lungs at her. Then once Cody was up, he questioned me. Next thing you know, they are both all in my face, yelling at me, like full out yelling!! Yup, I cried. Haven't cried in awhile. It almost seemed, odd! lol - But the day got better. So in the end, it's all good!!

Once my mood changed, I offered to take Paige for a walk. =) We headed to Macs and got candy, ofcourse! lol On the way there, we talked the entire time. I actually like walking with her, cuz it doesn't feel like I'm with a 10 year old. She talks so, mature! lol - Kinda. It was shocking. She was talking about like, politics and stuff. Was actually learning things from her! It was insane!!! She may be a spoiled brat and piss everyone off, but one on one, she's a great girl. I love being around her. She's like my little sister dammit. Been that way since the start! I watched her grow up for cryin out loud! =P
After the walk, I asked her what she wanted to do. We ended up playing Monsters Inc. Life. Wasn't bad. Got along real well, she didn't cheat or anything. haha - Only cuz I looked up instructions for everything she said that sounded odd to me. Mwahahahaha!!!

Not much else to say here. Things have been almost too good for words! lol - Not much really going on lately. Friday was awesome. Was pretty wild, but everyone that I really talk to, already knows what went on, so no need to mention. - lol - Plus, don't wanna ruin my reputation. hehee - Oh, and the movie Borat is absolutely amazing!!! Fricken hilarious movie!!! There was no part in the movie where there wasn't people laughing!! The theatre was drenched with laughter! Ever get the chance, you have to see it!!!

Anywho, this shall be all for now! But I must say, YAY FOR HAPPINESS!! =)
Gawd, Im so glad things are coming together! They fall apart like before, I'll have to fricken duct tape it all back!! So don't make me get the tape out people! You'll be sorry!! hehehe

Goodnight everyone! <3

I Dare You

I dare you to tell me
You loved me all along
Say we were meant to be
Say we'd last forever

Accuse me of lying
Say it's all my fault
It's all worth trying
Say it all

Look me in the eyes
Lie to me once more
Tell me how much I mean to you
Just call me a whore

Wrapped around your little finger
You think it's under control
You could care less
It's just another heart you stole

Treated like a puppet
Think I'll do as you say
But little do you know
I'll just walk away

I dare you
Trample me again
You'll be surprised
I wont take the pain

I fuckin dare you!!

Turn Back Time

Wish I could go back. To the days where I couldn't feel. Life was a dream, nothing was real. There was no light in day. Only dark as night. I was my own enemy. No love, No pain. Not like tonight. You didn't exist. I was alone. I liked it that way. Feelings were unknown. I was numb. I didn't know the day, the month, or even the year. I was happy on my own. Wandering off to unfamilar places. Exploring the world, unknown. Couldn't shed a single tear. There was no sun. The streets were dim. I walked alone. I was the only one. The wind sang to me. I smiled pleasantly. I didn't know what it was like. To hurt. To bleed. To want or need. It was me, myself and I. No other soul existant. I could smile and mean it. I didn't want to die. Things weren't a blur. They were clear as day. My head was empty. My mind at peace. It was perfect this way. I could run from home. Never go back. I wouldn't be missed. Nobody there to worry. The world was black. The sky pure white. I, blood red. It all seemed right. Life was perfect.

:: Which Of Us Do You Love? ::

Well, today was an overall, good day. I was so tired though. That's all I ever am anymore. The pills make me yawn like crazy and I always seem tired. I took a powernap today though, after that I've been fine. Really good mood and not tired. The thing I hate though, is I have a hell of a time sleeping anymore. I don't know if it's cuz I have so much shit going on in my head, that it interferes with my sleeping or what. I woke up at like 7ish (4 hrs after I went to bed) and tossed and turned afterwards. I had a hell of a time sleeping!!

Well, here's some things, in order, from today.

• Woke up
• Showered
• Went up town with mom and grandma
• Handed out a resume (woo fun)
  
• Watched my mom get her hair cut =\
• Babysat for about half an hour
• Chatted online for a bit
• Ate supper
• Texted Matt a bit (asking about Emily)
• Took a nap
• Chatted online/Watched tv
• Talked to Eric a bit - finally!
• Been online since then
• Heading to bed soon

What a fun day, huh? Yeah, full of a bunch of nothing!! Well, on a somewhat good note, I don't babysit for the rest of the week. So I got the whole week to myself. Which is good but bad. lol Not like I do anything anyways. All I'll be doing is cleaning up the house with my mom, getting ready for Christmas stuff. I can't believe Christmas is like right around the corner. It's fricken crazy! I don't know where the year's gone! It's insane!!! I'm slightly excited though. I love Christmas. Only cuz it's so full of happiness, family, singing...etc. Things like that. Such a warm feeling that comes with that holiday. I've always loved Christmas for the family reason, but now I don't see family cuz our family practically split apart. We don't get along. So it kinda sucks. But it's still good. Main reason I like Christmas this year, is for the Christmas carols. hehe - I looove singing. But it sucks though. I miss being in choir. I miss being in the concerts around the holidays. Performing, Christmas Caroling...etc. Things like that. It really sucks. Man, is there negative to EVERYTHING?! .... Sucks ass! Oh well. lol I'll make my own damn choir! Just me, myself and I! hehe - I think I've gone a bit far on that one.

Anyways.... Things are alright. Sammy helped me out and got rid of my upset'ness earlier. So I'm feeling a bit better now. (I just wish I could've helped her out a bit more. I feel bad. She's always helping me. I hate seeing her like this, but I did what I could. I hope I helped atleast a bit. Hope she feels better soon too!) Well, what was bothering me doesn't seem to bother me as much anymore, but I still have my times. I'm sure I will for awhile too. We'll see.

I thought a lot about Emily today. It really sucks. I miss her, alot. Whether she existed or not. I decided to put her back in my msn name cuz even though I don't know if she truly existed, she still has a place in my heart, and mind. She was a big part of my life no matter what. I just wish I could have some closure; figure it out!! It's bothered me since the day I got the news that she passed. Losing three people in one and a half years, isn't easy!!!

Well, on a happier side of things, I stayed in a decent mood majority of the day. Yes, that's a good thing. I'm so hyped, crazy n wild now a days. And you know what? I Looove It! =) Nobody can stoppp me!! hehehee - lol Im much more outgoing than I used to be. It's good. I missed this side of me. Let's just hope it stays.

Well, I'm running out of things to say. This is much longer than I expected to. Damn me and my writing! So I shall be going for now. I will return though. Always do. Ain't you a lucky little blog! =P

Goodnight everyone. <3

What's Reality?

Well, haven't added to this in two days. Usually add to it every day. But lately haven't been up to it.
Yesterday sucked . Was supposed to go to the movies with Cody and Randy but the movie we were trying to see was sold out. We had so much time to waste and we were in Windsor. Didn't know what the hell to do. We drove around. Sat down by the river front. Went to Zellers. Anything, waiting till 945, pretty much doing fuck all. Then after that, drove to Randys friends (in Windsor) cuz its her birthday today and he said he'd stop to see her. But she worked till 930. Once we got there, it was messed up cuz she walked past us, then wouldnt answer her door. Once she finally came out, Randy was talking to her for 45 fricken minutes while Cody and I sat in his car freezing our asses off and dying of boredom. Real fun. Then I fell asleep on the way home. Even though it was only 11-1130ish. I felt like shit the whole time we were in Windsor cuz I took three pills that were all supposed to be taken with food and I had only a bagel in the morning. Yeah, smoothe move Court. So my stomach was doin summersaults the entire time. I felt weak and dizzy at times. That probably aint good. But I ate when I got home and was alright after that. Well, guess I wont ever do that again. Lesson learned!

Today. Well, I don't even know. I feel really, 'not so good' today. Found out there's something wrong with my uncle. He's really ill. He apparently looks awful too. He's losing soooo much weight and anything he eats just goes right through him. Apparently he might have cancer. But we think my Aunt (his wife) is keeping something from us. Nobody will tell us anything thats going on, so it's fucked. We all think he has cancer. Apparently he's had tests done but nobody'll say anything. So this is great. *rolls eyes*
Got a random text around 7pm today. From a number I didnt recognize. Asked them who it was. Well, oddly enough, it was.... Matt! It was shocking. But I didn't really want to talk to him. He's living in Kingston now, with Jennie still. He works at Rona and apparently things are good. Well, good for him. But while talking to him, I felt so.... empty. I don't kknow. Was an odd feeling. And I wasn't really in the mood to be talking to anyone. But it was nice to hear from him. Talked to him for a tad bit. Then Liv was texting me. Bah! Times I don't really wanna talk to anyone, people swarm me!!!

Well, today..... lately. I've been bothered by something. I'm sick and tired of being second choice!! I won't explain it here. You wanna know? Ask me. Depending on who you are, I may just tell. Otherwise, well you're outta luck then huh. Sucks to be you. All I know is it's really getting to me and it needs to change!! Already told one, so it's off my chest. And I thank her for listening~!! Still eats at me, but it's been said. It's all good now.

Another thing, I sleep a lot now. The pills make me really tired and drowzy. I sleep so much, it's at a point where I can't tell the difference from dreams and reality. I get them mixed up. I don't really see a reality anymore. That might be kinda bad. It's really messed up. But reality to me, is dreams. Doesn't seem real, majority of the time. And when I'm sleeping, I wake up thinking my dreams were reality. It's opposite. Or it's all dreams!! Wherever my reality ran off to, it better get back cuz this is really fuckin me up! So if anyone comes across it, do me a favor and send it back my way. I might need it!! Thanks.

That would be all for now...... GAH!

Ramble

My head hurts.
Babysitting was hell !!!
Got wacked in the head & back with a hockey stick...
By a fricken one year old!
I'm really tired.
Not feeling well.
I think I'm coming down with something.
Recorded the song I made up on guitar.
I miss Eric.
Didn't talk to Sammy.
Day flew by.
I'm so drowzy.
I think it's the pills.
I'm going to bed early tonight.
Day was messed up.
Mood is all blah.
That's all for now.

All The Same

Today was another decent day. Was up at 1030. Shocking, I know. I even tried to force myself to sleep longer, but I couldn't. Laid in bed from 10-1030. Decided to get up. It kinda sucked. Wasn't really anything to do. But my mom, bro and I decided to go to Leamington. So we cleaned up the house and did what needed to be done, and went to CR Music Room. Cody got his guitar fixed up. He bought a guitar strap, capo, strings, bunch of pics, pic holder, string lubricant stuff.... I think thats all. I don't know. He bought a bunch of shit. But anyways, it was worth the $45. lol - I love the new strings, they sound so pretty! hehe - I was playing a lot today. I put together a song. Sounds decent, I guess. My mom was pretty impressed and my bro, well, he argued with me. He's the one that taught me a few things and I threw a bunch of stuff together and made my own thing. He claims its not my song cuz he showed me. But Im the one that put it together, so whatever. I dont care. lol - I'm pretty excited, I get a guitar for Christmas. Then I can play all I want, do whatever to it and it'll be great. I love playing guitar!! Its like an addiction. Eversince I first picked it up, I cant seem to put it down. I play every day now! Another good thing about having my own guitar, is Cody and I can play together. Like, there's a song by Dallas Green that has two parts, we can both play it. So he plays one part, I play the other and we can record it. If our timings right, it'll all work out in the end. It'll be great! Music excites me!!! lol - My mom's kinda shocked with how much we've progressed throughout the past little while. I'm surprised she hasn't gotten annoyed with us yet. She must enjoy our playing. =P Anyways, enough guitar talk! =/ After a bunch of guitar playing, Randy, Cody and I went for a random drive to Burger King, then to McDonalds. Then on the way home, got pulled over. lol - Stupid cops! We were down by the dock and a cop decided to go down there as we went to leave. He ofcourse pulled us over. Just wanted to see what we were up to. The usual. They're good like that. *rolls eyes* It was kinda awkward though. Cuz my bro said "Ya we just got back from Burger King" ... yet the cop looked back at me, holding McDonalds milkshakes. That seemed a big awkward. lol Plus we were laughing majority of the time. It's so hard to stay serious with cops around! Geeez!!! hehe - Also got to talk to Eric practically all day! That was really nice. I enjoyed that. Even talked to him on the phone. =) I fricken missed him dammit! Anyways, that's all the good stuff.

Bad stuff. Well, once again, just like last night - everything was going good, then it all fell apart. It seems it's always around the same time too! Wtf. I don't get it. It's always around 1030ish. I go to a completely different mood. It all goes downhill and I feel upset'ish. I was on the verge of being upset for awhile tonight. I didn't wanna let myself become upset. I hate it! It better not be the pills doing this to me. It sucks. I don't wanna lose the happiness. I like it! It's so much better than before. Well, ofcourse! Nobody wants to be upset and feel horrible all the time! So anyways, I don't know what it is. But it better stop. I've been doing so good. I don't want it to end!!

That shall be all for now, I suppose. My random babble about today.

(Don't ask me why this is purple. I chose a random colour!)

Screaming Souls

Well, today wasn't too bad. Okay, maybe it was. Well, the day was good, the night wasn't. My day was pretty good. Was really happy. Got some new jeans, talked to Eric, had a good time babysitting...etc. All good stuff. But all of a sudden, around 10:30'ish, it all fell apart. I went from happy to sudden irritation and rage. I don't know why. It just happened. There was no reason for it. Then after a bit of that, went to just upset. Felt almost depressed but not quite. Wasn't too pleasant. I was doing soooo good lately. I don't know what the hell happened. I realized I forgot to take my fricken pill, so maybe that had something to do with it. But I cant see it effecting me already. I've only been taking them since Friday, the 27th. So I dunno. Coulda been anything really. I have no idea. All I know, is I'm going to bed early tonight, like right after this entry. I hate feeling this way, so I'm gonna put a safe end to it. Sleep!

The days better slow the hell down or some people are gonna be very unhappy with their bleeding ears! I'm gonna fuckin screeeeeaaaaam!!!!! The days have been flying by too fast, for the past like two weeks! They need to slow down. There's not enough time to enjoy it. Everything happens so faaaast!! I'm tired of rushing. I'm tired of being overwhelmed. I'm tired of it all!! I'd just like for once to enjoy my day, take my time and get everything done that needs to be. I just want to relax! It's too overwhelming for me. They better slow down pretty soon. =(

Well, I guess this is all for now.....

Accept Me

I think too much. None of it makes sense. Or maybe it just has nowhere to go. So many thoughts and opinions. Nowhere for it to go. Lost in the depths of my mind. Floating to the surface, then placed in the back again. Thoughts for today, tomorrow or even yesterday. Plans for the future. Opinions from the past. Escaping the present to dream toward reality. Moments for babble. Useless information. Important discussion. Random sentences. Just wanting to be heard. Just wanting to be ignored. Words screaming out. Just a simple whisper. It's all there. It's all unsaid. Unheard. Overlooked. Rejected. Ignored. It's all the same. It's how they are. So much to say. So little time. Hear me out. From the inside. I'm more than just skin. I'm not hollow. Listen.