Monday, November 12, 2007

Sad, But True

I had a friend.... A best friend at that. I don't know where she is anymore. I can practically see right through her now. She's there; standing right in front of me. But it's like she's lost her soul, there's nothing much left to her. She's in a constant daze and unsure on what's going on. She asks simple questions now, like "What was I doing again?". Things she should already know; things she shouldn't have to ask. She works to support her habit. Her money goes down the drain; a drain to her lungs. I don't confide in her anymore. I don't update her on my life either. We used to spend a lot of time together; non-stop talking, sharing our thoughts, having a good time, constant laughter..... But that hasn't happened for several months now. We can't share things like we used to. She doesn't support me and my choices in life; like a friend should do. She doesn't like my boyfriend... She's more straight forward and ignorant now. She's letting her life slip past her, with every breath she takes.

I can only wish that one of these days, she'll wake up and realize what she's doing to herself, her life, her future, her friends -- before it's too late.... If it's not already.

I miss her. But I can't do this anymore. I can't watch this happen...

A friendship left behind, 'cause of a simple plant. Sad, but true.

Drugs take control... But only when you let it.

She chose the drugs over her friendship.

.....What is this world coming to?


::: - Courtney - :::


Thursday, October 18, 2007

Unknown Turn

__[.Unknown Turn.]__

I want it all back now

Where did it go?
Been trying to figure out how
Afraid I'll never know
It never used to be this way
Not sure what went wrong
I'd like to say it'll be okay
But that could take so long
I miss the way it used to be

I'll get it back; some way, some how
But I can't guarantee
I just want it all back now
Give me some help, send me a sign
I'll do anything at all
Just want it to be fine
Please don't let me fall
I've hit the bottom hard before
And I don't want that again
I don't want this anymore
Things will change. But when?

Courtney Campbell
October 18, 2oo7
3:29pm


-.- Struggle -.-

It's hard to juggle:
  • school (tests, homework, things done in school...etc)
  • the shit at home
  • constant arguments between the loved one
  • babysitting
  • friends (helping/being there for them 24/7 when necessary)
  • whatever else pops in to add to the day
I'm stressing. I'm reaching an end. I'm incredibly drained; emotionally and physically.

Should probably sleep now. I have to get up in 6 hours to face another day.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy ((majority of me)). Just stressing, I guess.

Goodnight.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Misunderstood

You'll never understand til you feel the way I do. You may want it as well, but it's nowhere near the state I'm in. I believe there's a way around it. It's still fair to them. I've waited this long, but very uncertain I can wait any longer. It tears me apart. And I only wish you could understand. You may say you do, but you don't.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

My Heart -&- Soul

::: It's Reality :::

I'm gonna marry him some day
I don't care what they say
It is what it is
And I'm nothing but his
I wouldn't want it any other way
...There's so much more I could say

I love him to death
Together; til the very last breath
Nothing comes between us
Nothing we can't discuss
So much communication
...Always appreciation

We thrive off each other
We live through one another
If there was no him and I
I'd probably die
He's the reason I'm alive
...My reason to survive

He has such an impact on me
If only you could see
I wish I could express how I feel
There's so much to reveal
Most of it can't be said
...I show it instead

I'd tell the world if I could
Not sure it'd be understood
It just seems so unreal
But it's how I feel
I couldn't live without him
...It all comes from within

I'm gonna marry him some day
I don't care what they say
It is what it is
And I'm nothing but his
I wouldn't want it any other way
...There's so much more I could say

I love him to death
Together we stand...
Til the very last breath.
<3


Courtney Campbell
September 22, 2oo7
9:08am


I love you so much, Pierre. You mean the world to me.
Thanks for everything. <3

Saturday, September 15, 2007

.Sorry.

Here I am again, back in this place.
I feel like I'm not good enough. No matter how hard I try to please everyone, its just never enough.
I wish I could satisfy everyone, especially those I love and care about.
But I'm not perfect, and I'm sorry for that.
I hate to disappoint people. One of the worst feelings in the world for me.
I'm breaking down for the fact I wish I was able to meet your wants and needs. But I can't seem to do that.

Again, I'm sorry I'm not perfect...

:'(

Friday, September 14, 2007

Fear

It scares me to know that it's possible to lose you...



:(


Sunday, September 02, 2007

::: All My Life :::

How much longer
Will I be thrown around?
So disrespected
Used and Abused
Taken advantage of...
It's all the same anymore

I try to hide
But they always find me
It hurts sometimes
But they dont mind
Til they see it through my eyes
It'll remain misunderstood

Tears me apart
But that's not the point
They walk away happy
That's all that matters
It shouldn't be this way
I shouldn't have to live this way

I often wonder
When will all this end?
I only find one answer
I'll go through this
Til the day I die
It's all the same
It's expected anymore
It's a part of my life ....

But I am again
I'm at the ground
They trample over me
One time after another
I should be used to this by now
So why do I still feel the way I do?


September 2, 2oo7
4:44am

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Wrong Turn

I won't lie. I'm not okay.
This is so hard!! I don't know how much more of this I can handle.
I haven't talked to Pierre yet today. I gave up on checking my email every 15 mins.
I'm having a hell of a time adjusting to this.
I haven't cried so much in this amount of time since Alyssa died..

I can't fricken get through this!!!!

='(

Friday, August 10, 2007

:][: тяаррεđ :][:


Why is it that every time I look ahead,
Someone builds a wall.
Thought I was far from the edge,
But it's clear I'm about to fall.
Once again, here I am,
Collapsing to the ground beneath me.
Someway the doors will open,
So someone can set me free.

Here I lay until then,
Helpless and afraid.
The world has a hold of me again,
Strangling the life right out of me.
This concludes everything,
I wasn't ready to face.
But it's no surprise,
I'm back to this place.

Some day I'll meet the end,
Of this life I never asked for.
Waiting is the hardest thing,
I can't handle this anymore.
Can someone find the pieces,
This puzzle is missing.
So I can finally escape,
From all this reminiscing.


August 10, 2oo7
5:24pm


Thursday, August 09, 2007

The Past; That's Where It Stays.

:::..Liar.Cheater.Player..:::

How did you get so good at lying?

How can you face them
While you speak such truthful lies
Where did you learn to lie so honestly?

How did you get so good at lying?
You have no heart
You trash theirs to add to it
Where did you learn to lie so thoroughly?

How did you get so good at lying?
A handful at a time
Play them like a deck of cards
Where did you learn to get away with it all?

How did you get so good at lying?
Do you ever panic
When they accuse you of cheating?
Where did you learn to fuck with their minds?

How did you get so good at lying?
No matter how many times you're confronted
You still deny
Where did you learn to wear such strong armor?

How did you get so good at lying?
One day you'll be caught
You'll get what you deserve
Where did you learn to become such a failure?

August 9, 2oo7
3:56am


Trinity's having a fit here. She keeps interrupting my typing and trying to say her own stuff. So here... she can have her own little area:
8569455555555*+****-***5mynnh\]1044444=[[[[]]]]]]]]]]]]]]hnb mjkkk==----------------]-[

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Weight Of The World

Things were good. ... key word "were".

I don't know. I feel like I have so much piled on me. Stressin for like no reason I guess.

The emails to my bro are bothering me. Cant let it go. Thats been on my shoulders for awhile now. But more just added to it.
My mom's been flippin on me lately which again, adds to it.
Kerri, my 'best friend' has been asking me when Im gonna do pot again; if ever. I told her I didnt take a break from it. I 'quit'. Therefore not going back. And she wouldnt leav e it at that. She continued on and we like pretty much argued about it. This isn't the first time it's happened. She asks me often. It bothers me cuz I feel like she's pressuring me back to it. I dunno. I wish she'd support me more instead. Unfortunately, it seems that eversince I quit, her and I haven't been as close. I'd hate to see drugs ruin such a good friendship. It shouldn't be that way.
I don't know. Maybe I'm taking everyting overboard. I just feel so AHHH!! ... stressed?
I get so worked up, so easily. Im like always on edge. I've been suffering from major headaches day after day now and I like constantly feel sick. I dont know if all of this ties together or what. But I hate it.
I wont lie. I've still been happy. This just kinda affects it. I cant be as happy as I normally would. I still have my Pierre here and I dont want this to affect us. I dont want him to think Im mad at him or that he's done something. Cuz he hasn't. Not at all. Nothing has changed between him and I. Things are still good. He's been soooo supportive through everything. Even if he doesn't know what's going on. He's always there. He cares so much. I love him to death! ....... But this kinda affects us. Just cuz of me. Me getting worked up so easily. Being on edge. All of it. I dont want it to affect us. Bah!
Well I hope him and I can find a way out to Belle River on Friday cuz I would love to get out. It'd probably be good for me. I'd like to. Cuz when I'm out there, everything is so different. I feel so free. It's so peaceful. I'm so uppity. So it'd be good for me to go. To get out of here. Away from all this.

Anyways. Thats enough.


Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Can't Escape

Well, haven't put anything in here in the longest time. Mainly because I was with Pierre for 2.5 weeks straight. Was amazing. Buuut, tis gone now.

I really really enjoyed the past two weeks. Although things changed so suddenly, once again, Im beginning to think it was a dream. I often do that.
We had a great time together. Learned more about each other. Realized we don't get sick of each other. Took pictures; which turned out quite nice. We talked. We laughed. We shared. We learned. We did lots of stuff. There was like no bad that came out of it. Besides my fricken moods. I keep feeling like Im ruining things. I hate it. Its to the point Im distancing myself. I dont want to keep doing this. I dont want to keep going through this. I want out!

I noticed myself sliding downhill while he was still here. But things stuck together. Then, the day he was leaving, it was just ... ah ... I lost it. And then yesterday, I slid further downhill. And now today, Im even further! It just keeps getting worse and worse. All I do is cry anymore. Id be talking online, just doing whatever, and just start bawling. I go to bed, I start bawling. I wake up, I start bawling. Its neverending!! I hate it. Im already isolating myself. Kinda cant at the moment cuz Im babysitting, but when I get home, Ill just continue.

Im so fed up with myself. All I do is keep fuckin things up. I keep getting told that Im not. Buut, it sure feels like it and I cant get it through my head. Things arent as smooth as they used to be. And I keep making it worse and worse. My moods are sooo fucked up. I cant handle it. Its interfering with other people cuz I keep taking things out on whoever. I dont know what happened. Nothing happened that I know of. Things are just suddenly jumbled together.

Im pissed at myself for fuckin up my pills. I havent taken them in like over a week. Maybe two weeks! ... And Im not sure if I can just start taking them again. I want them. I need them! I just dont know what to do....

Gah. Everythings messed up. And I dont wanna drag others down with me. Especially Pierre, or Sammy. Sooo, Im distancing myself. That way I cant mess anything up.

Im depressed. Thats what I am. Im back to being depressed. Didnt take long for things to change. Ofcourse not. I always end up this way again.
Im so drained. Emotionally. Physically. Any way! I know the state Im in. Just not sure how I got here. Im used to this feeling. I remember it. Im here again. Buuut, not sure how I got here or how to get out again.

Blah. Im gonna end here. Im babysitting and he's drivin me up the damn wall. Gonna take him for a walk. So he'll shut up. I've already yelled at him, louder than usual, several times since Ive been here. And unfortunately Ive .... wait.... I cant. I wont mention. I feel terrible. I just... I shouldnt be here. Ill say that much. Cuz the state Im in, Im against the world. No matter who it is. Anyways, Im just repeating myself. Im depressed. Life's fucked. I keep messin things up with others. Not sure how I got here. Yadda Yadda. Imma stop.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Fuckin Sheep!

Everything's been so fucked up recently and I absolutely hate it. I shoulda known that things couldnt hold together forever. But for some reason, ever since I got Pierre, I never thought that'd happen. I never saw things falling apart. At all. With anything. But it's my fault anything happened in the first place. Soooo, I guess I gotta deal with it. Also, that's what I get for not sleeping much when I have to babysit, and not taking my pills. Gah. I try not to regret anything, but it seems that's all I've done recently.

I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. To certain people atleast. I don't know how many times it's gonna take for me to learn from this. It's happened toooo many times. You'd think I woulda learned by now! But ofcourse not, Courty's always gotta learn the hard way. And this time, she's learning the hard way several times in a row. With the same situation! Ugh. Im so fuckin stupid.
I used to say that they've caused me so much fuckin pain, but now I'm beginning to think... no, its not them, its me. Im causing this. Im doing this to myself. Ugh. I got a lot of shit to fix. Ha, I've been saying that for the past like 3-4 years now! Baaaaah.

Kinda feels weird to blog during the day. But you know what, it helps. And since when did time of day matter?! .... Oh wait, maybe cuz Im used to blogging at night, when the days over! Buuut, I havent been blogging as often and things just kinda .... build up. Sooo, I figured Id do it now, so I can continue on with my day. Baaaah. Fuckin sheeps.

Annnnd, now Im hallucinating. Fantastic. I really need sleep. I was thinking of doing so after all my babysitting, but I cant seem to leave my Pierre. And, if I go lay down and get some sleep now, I wont be in bed earlier tonight. Gah. My head hurts. Like a lot. Yay rambles!

I don't want to feel this way. Any of this. I want my happiness back. And there's no one to blame but myself for taking that away. But, things will come together again. Just uhm, need to wait. Wont change in a heartbeat, thats for sure. Sooo, only time will tell.

Now, Im gonna stop rambling. Im really beginning to wonder how I always have so much to say! I email Pierre novels everyday! Then I always have so much to say in here! Gah, I never stop!! I never used to be able to do this. Well, then again, I mentioned in another blog, about how eversince I got rid of Eric, my thoughts are able to come together easier. Sooo, that could be it.

Awh, I want my Trin! *ha, sorry... random, but I heard a little meow from behind me* So I think Im gonna finish this off here. Go grab my Trin, and hope my Pierre says something. *frown*

I miss my Pierre!

I Want Out!

Today ....... good.

Tonight ........ fucked!!!!

I don't want to remember tonight, nor do I wanna realize anything even happened!

Saturday, April 14, 2007

Smiles Galore

Tonight was absolutely amazing!!!

I dont really have much to say because Im practically speechless. I'll probably add more tomorrow, but at the moment, Im just .... wow. Its very hard to word things. Like I said, Im speechless.

I can say this though .... I finally met my Pierre tonight! That explains why Im the way I am. Everything was just ... ah, it seemed so perfect. I had an amazing night. Im seriously keeping him forever!

Very short post. But tis only cuz Im beyond happy. And I wanna lay down.

Soooo, to bed I go.

....
...
..
.

I love my Pierre!


Friday, April 13, 2007

Wow....

I'm supposed to be heading to bed right now, so I'm just gonna quickly ramble some things.

Not too much to say today, buuut that's because things are going fairly well.
Tonight had it's ups and downs, but in the end, I'm pretty ecstatic. Earlier was pretty messed up, but ofcourse, my Pierre helped turn that around. Infact, the moment I heard him on the phone, it was like nothing even happened. Everything seemed great. I was happy. He has quite the impact on me. I love it. It feels great. Im really glad I have him. I wouldnt trade him in for anything. It almost seems .... weird in a way, like everything happened so fast. Its not so much a bad thing. Not saying we rushed into things too quickly. Its just, Ive grown so attached to him so fast. And the effect he has on me too. Like, a lot of the things, happened quickly. Again, tis not a bad thing. Its not like I want to change things. I like how things are at the moment. I dont want it changed. Maybe Im just rambling. But something seems that way. Maybe its the fact that I just let go of Eric and I had Pierre instantly and well, now Im just finally able to accept the fact Erics gone and Im already falling for Pierre?! .... gah, that could be it. Im not complaining ofcourse. Tis just, a bit .... I wanna say overwhelming, but not so much cuz it makes it seem kinda bad. Its not bad, its perfectly fine. Except for the fact it kinda scares me. I have my reasons. Things I fear, which causes me to hold back and not allow it to happen. Which is bad, but well, I cant really help it.

Here I go, typing a novel again. Sheesh. And I said I had to go to bed. Well, only took me four minutes to type all that. lol So I guess it's not that bad.

Hey that brings me to another thing! I've noticed that eversince Pierre came along, I've been able to get my thoughts into place easier. Im not so confused all the time. I can actually just type away and not have to stop for awhile to figure out whats going on in this head of mine. Everything just kinda ... pours out. It just falls into place. Im not confused or lost. Im more open now - to an extent. Maybe cuz Im not hiding everything? I can like .... wow, I can be free. I dont feel so, held back now.

Honestly it feels like I actually have room to breathe now, with Eric gone. I never really realized all I went through til the thing that caused it all, is gone. Now so much has changed and it hasnt been long since I got rid of him. Makes me realize how much he fucked me up. Was a tough decision that I didnt really want to happen, but Im honestly glad I did so. As much as I hate to say it, but its true. Im much happier now. Surprisingly I can admit that. I could never admit happiness. But thats probably because ... this is true happiness? I feel great. Things are really coming together. Life for once seems .... clear. I honestly never thought Id see this. Never thought Id feel this. Never thought Id face these days. But the littlest things make such a difference. I love it. I love ... life?! Wow. Im really beginning to shock myself now. lol Pierre's like a damn drug!
Bringing him in my life, has changed things. Drugs do that. But this a good drug. And it's okay to be addicted to this one! hehe
The world is changed now. I see everything in a positive way - for the most part. Im happier. I can say the things I couldnt before, and honestly mean it. I can actually see a future for once. The worlds finally coloured now. Its not so dark anymore.

That reminds me of a previous post, from March 18th, that I wrote. Titled "
|[New Beginning]| " ... thats like, exactly how things are now. When I wrote that, it was kinda true, for that moment. But it left quickly. But now, I can honestly say that thats how I truly feel. Thats how things actually are now.

Life is good for once. I couldnt be happier.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Changes

I don't really have much to say today....

It feels weird. Possibly because things are going well for once?

Im not too pleased on the fact Im gonna be doing a lot of babysitting within this week and next week though. gah! Three days this week - doesnt sound too bad. But when its day after day, I find it hard to handle. Thankfully, I made it through yesterday and today, but now its to make it through tomorrow. Then I might have to babysit Saturday, real early in the morning. -_- Til who knows when. Gah. Then Im not sure how many days next week. But next Friday, she needs me at like 730am, for the entire day! GAH! Im gonna die. I can barely handle these kids for the 3-4 hours I have them for. They are soooo hyper'ish and do NOT listen and gaaaah.
See, I love children, but I hate taking care of children like this. They arent that well behaved and they arent raised how I wish they were, so I have some difficulties. All good though. They keep me busy. And Hunter keeps me happy. I could go there all down'ish, but the moment I see that kid smile, I light right up!

Anywho, I didnt expect to go on about babysitting. *_*
Things overall have been pretty decent. Without Eric, things have changed quite a bit. Its kinda shocking. Buuut, Im doing it. Things are better. And it'll just progress throughout the days. Im really glad I have Pierre. He's made things a lot better and Im happy to have him. ^_^

Anywho, I have a sudden craving for Froot Loops so Imma end here. I dont have much more to say anyways.

That shall be all for now. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Monday, April 09, 2007

So Far Down

Today was absolutely horrible.
I'm not going to say much. I just know I went through a hell of a lot. Things I shouldn't have had to go through in the first place. And the end result was me feeling extremely hurt, angry, shocked, and upset. Im not even going to explain. I dont even remember much of it to begin with. Thats what happens when Courty goes through shit. She blocks it out, without realizing and isnt able to remember it. I just know it was bad. And he dropped me pretty damn hard this time. Bout time I shattered. Gotta love being fragile.

Anyways, I feel incredibly dead. Im like a zombie. My head is killing me. I only slept 3 hours last night. I cried so much in the past three days, Im not even sure Im able to cry anymore. Although I know it'll happen. Cuz thats me.... I cry so fricken often! I wouldnt mind much if I was just, crying a bit here and there. But no, the past three days have been like, full out bawling my eyes out for like 10-15 minutes at a time. Its so draining! Last night before I finally fell asleep, it was 35-40 minutes straight. Gah! I hate the feeling after though. Im like, depressed feeling. Just wanna lay there and stare. Dont wanna be bothered. Just wanna lay there, staring at the ceiling, with no emotions shown. Dead. Thats it. Dead like.
Theres nothing much left to me anymore. Well, thats how it feels atleast. Maybe things will change after today though. Ive gone through quite a bit. Cant expect me to be fine. So I guess we'll see.

I hate this feeling though. I dont want to face tomorrow. Nor do I want to face the rest of today....

This is much more difficult than I thought.



One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Ofcourse, just when things are getting back on track, something has to come along and interupt.
Things are great. Im happy with Pierre. Ive been happy majority of my day. But now Ive noticed, that eversince Pierre has come along, people decided to back out. Why? Well, I've questioned them and they claim they 'dont want to get in the way'. Ugh. They wont get in the way. They cant. I dont see how the hell they could! Sure, I have my Pierre, but I dont want to lose the others.

I didnt want this. I wanted happiness. I wanted things to settle down. Things are back on track for once, yet people think they have to back away all of a sudden now that I have Pierre?! Wrong. I may have Pierre, but I still have all the time in the world for everyone else. I have just as much time for them as I did before. I dont want them gone. I dont want things to change. I want things to remain the same. But ofcourse, like always ... I take a step forward, and then I get dragged back again.

*sigh* Here we go again ....

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Things CAN Turn Around After All

Today had so many ups and downs. But, in the end Im happier than ever. After all Ive been through today, I really didnt think it'd end with happiness. I have one person to thank for that; my Pierre!

So, I'm dropping Eric. Well, I have dropped Eric. I can't deal with it anymore. I'm tired of the head games. Im tired of everything! The pain, hurt, confusion, frustration...etc! It literally drained me. I didnt deserve it. I should've walked away from it long ago. But I always have to learn the hard way. Plus, I loved him to death, I couldnt do it. But with certain people by my side my eyes were wide open and I saw it all for myself. So I did what was right.

I've noticed I am sooo happy when it comes to Pierre. My mom even noticed that with me. She really likes Pierre. So thats a bonus. Anyways, to cut things down - cuz Im so tired of talking about Eric. I made a tough decision tonight. Which was easier than I expected. But I know it's the right thing to do. I let Eric go. I decided to take Pierre's hand and now together we stand.

Only hours in, and I couldnt be happier.

I'd add more, but I'm feeling pretty drained. So I'm looking forward to sleep.
I covered the main things, so that shall be all for now.

*smiles*

YAY GREEN!!!!

Saturday, April 07, 2007

-- Perfect Lyrics --

Adema - Trust

Let me breathe
Let me breathe

I can't even think right now
Something's got me feeling guilty
Hurt you slowly but so surely
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?

Pushing into what I want
Because I am so goddamn selfish
Left you hanging, stopped relating
I don't know why, love you so much
I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?

I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go

(Is it you, is it me)
It's easier to let you go
(Let me breathe)

Let me breathe

I can't feel because I'm lost
Not to much matters no more
Is it you, is it me, is it us or is it trust?
Or is it trust?

I'm so alone, empty and lost, it's easier to let you go
Time will erode the shame and the fault, it's easier to let you go

Is it you, is it me

It's easier to let you go

Breathe

Let me breathe

Breathe

Friday, April 06, 2007

Lost.

Tell me we're alright
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge
Scared that we'll come tumbling
Falling apart, yet again
Maybe Im looking beyond
Too far out of my mind
So, tell me we're alright
Assure me we'll be fine
Tell me we're soaring high
Not even close to the edge



I have no idea where that came from. Just popped outta nowhere? Meh. Poorly written. Kinda reminds me of lyrics though. Oh well. Its out.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Down We Go

Well, I told myself I'd start back up again and keep this updated. So I guess I'll stick to it.

My birthday .... it was, decent. Although I did exactly what I told myself I wouldnt. Lots of regrets from that night. But its alright I guess. I'll learn from it - I hope. I definately wont forget my 18th birthday because of it.
I dont really even remember that much. But sadly enough, I wish I didnt remember any of it. :(

Ive been so incredibly down the past few days. I hate it. My mom, bro and Randy all noticed I even look different. So now its physically effecting me. Gah!
Last night, sitting at the computer, I cried - had to leave the room. Last night, messaging Eric -I cried. Last night, when I went to bed, the moment I layed down - I cried. I cried so much at that moment, I completely passed out. I dont even remember falling asleep. I just know it was around 6am. This morning, when my mom called to wake me up around 4pm - I cried. When I got outta the shower today - I cried.
What the fuck is wrong with me?! I hate this. If all this is just because I missed two of my pills ... this is fucked up! I havent been eating much at all. I have a hell of a time sleeping. I cant let go of everything that went on this weekend. I cant get it through my head that its perfectly fine and I didnt ruin anyones time.

*sigh* Im gonna stop here. I might add more later. It took a lot just to get me to write anything in the first place. I just, havent wanted to. I cant really even talk to anyone. I just wanna be left alone I guess. But at the same time, I dont want anyone to leave me at all.


C'est la fuckin vie!

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Starting Back Up...

I haven't written anything in here in awhile so I thought I'd add some things in.

Things are kinda good, kinda bad. Im not exactly sure. I've remained content for quite awhile, with downfalls here and there. I'm definately not as bad as I used to be. But I'm either extremely happy, or really down. Never really anything in between. One or the other. Thing is, I'm really lost when it comes to feeling down. I never understand why.
With my higher dosage of antidepressants now, I can really tell a difference with my moods. My life overall just feels different. Although recently I've had some downfalls and I can't seem to understand. I've also been really happy lately though. Mainly because my birthday's this Friday and Im so excited for everything going on. I cant wait to see Eric, thats a given. But Im wondering if that's the only thing keeping me uppity lately. I'm wondering if after my birthday, I'll just fall right back down again. I'm not too sure. Somethings been getting to me, but I'm not sure what. I guess only time will tell?

I must admit, I'm quite proud of myself. Never thought I'd really hear myself say that, but I am. I truly am. I quit drugs. Yes, I did have a backslide the first time. Went 21 days and then fucked up. But I accepted the consequences, started over; went back to day one. Now, today, I'm proud to say that I'm at day 33. It's no problem now. I've done it. I don't want it. I gave it up completely. I can't see myself going back to it either. I've made it through. And the great thing is, my brother and his friend doubted me. They didn't think I could do it. But I proved them wrong and am still continuing. It feels great. I'm really glad I quit. It changed me. Such a simple thing. Okay, maybe it wasnt so simple. But it got easier as days passed. But one thing, like quitting drugs, made a change. And I think that just proved to me, that I can do anything I put my mind to. I wanted to quit, told myself I probably couldnt do it. But once I had enough, I decided to quit and count my days. Still kinda doubted myself. So ofcourse, I had a backslide. But that second time around, I told myself I'd do it. And sure enough, I did. Day 33 and still going. Im proud of myself. ^_^

Not exactly much more to say here. Well actually, I've said a lot more than I thought I would to begin with.
I'd like to add that I'm really glad I met Pierre. He's such a good friend. If it wasn't for him and Sammy, I honestly don't know where I'd be. Pierre helps to a great extent, even if he's not really doing all that much. Sammy; she's always been there. I love having her as a friend as well. The three of us altogether....we're linked. We stick together. Always! I love them to death! I may have just met Pierre not long ago, but I feel quite close to him already. I have a lot of trust in him. He's amazing!
I'm thankful for both Pierre and Sammy. <3>

Sunday, March 18, 2007

|[ New Beginning ]|

Eyes wide open. Looking at the world in a whole new way. A clear future that was once clouded over. A past that couldnt be forgotten, now faded. A whole new life. A whole new world. Walls knocked down, one after another. Allowing this soul to shine through. Colour the world with such a vivid identity. Hiding the darkness that turned the whole world black. Weightless. Full of life. Soaring through the days without a hassle. No longer hitting rock bottom, day after day. Things come and things go. But the days move on. No road blocks. No stop signs. Nothing can stop this now.
Eyes wide open. Looking at the world in a whole new way. Everything changes, but it all stays the same. The same person, but a new view of life. Windows to see the future. Doors to take action. Walking through to meet each obstacle face to face. The impossible, easily done. Can't be taken down. Nothing to fear. Standing tall. Looking down at a previous life, now just to learn from. It's all over now. This is the beginning of a happy ending.

Monday, January 29, 2007

Gone

I wish I knew wtf was going on.
I have been nothing but extremely down for as long as I can remember.
It just gets worse and worse as days pass.
I was somewhat okay, but then Saturday, I don't even know what happened.
Seeing Eric at the bowling alley took me on a different path.
I don't even know what got me to where I am now though.
I won't eat. I can't sleep like I used to. I can't bring myself to really do anything. I find myself crying randomly when nothing really happened. The things that could bring me any happiness whatsoever, don't bring me any at all anymore.
I do have some regrets from Saturday. But it shouldn't have gotten me to where I am now though...
The thing I don't understand is, things between Eric and I seem better than before since Saturday. But yet, I'm worse...
I don't know what happened.
But I'd do anything to get me out of this.
I hate this feeling...

Monday, January 22, 2007

[ s l e e p ..+.. d r e a m s ]

Sleep is such an important part of our daily lives, yet we don't really pay much attention to it. We wake up, do all we need to do throughout the day and then back to sleep we go. Do we ever really think in depth about sleeping? No, it just happens. So why do we sleep? Why can't we go through our day without spending a certain amount of hours sleeping? What would happen if we didn't sleep?

Sleep has quite a large impact on how we function. Sleeping allows us to recuperate after all the activities we've done throughout the day. It gives us a chance to relax. Sleep plays a very important role on our brain development. We need it to maintain normal levels of psychological skills like our memory, speech, creative and flexible thinking. If we didn't sleep, we wouldn't be able to function properly. Our attention span would shorten noticeably, it would be very difficult to concentrate, and we’d be forgetful, grumpy and very dazed. That's what happens when you don't sleep. So what happens when you do sleep?

There are four different stages of sleep; light sleep, true sleep and two stages of deep sleep. During light sleep, we are asleep but awake at the same time. Our muscle activity is slowing down and that's when we may twitch at times. During this stage, we can be awakened very easily. Any slight noise or little movement could wake us. Within only ten minutes of that stage, we reach the true sleep stage. This stage lasts about twenty minutes. Your heart rate slows down, as well as your breathing pattern. This counts as the largest part of human sleeping time. This is followed by the last two stages, deep sleep. In the first stage of deep sleep there are delta waves produced by the brain. Delta waves have high amplitude and low frequency. At this point, your heart rate and breathing are at their lowest levels. The next stage contains limited muscle activity and rhythmic breathing. This is the stage where some children experience night terrors, bed wetting or even sleep walking. If one is awakened during this stage, you do not adjust right away and are feeling quite groggy. You'll be disoriented for several minutes after waking up.

There is also REM sleep. Which is rapid eye movement during your sleep. This happens about seventy to ninety minutes after you fall asleep. Three to five REM episodes occur throughout the night. We may not be conscious but our mind is very active. Believe it or not, it's often more active than when we are awake. This is when most dreams occur. Our breathing rate and blood pressure rise and our eyes dart around. Our bodies are practically paralyzed. Many believe this is nature's way of holding us back from acting out our dreams. All these stages begin again after you've experienced REM sleep.

With sleep, come dreams. Which are often pushed aside. Once again, part of our every day life that we don’t pay much attention to. Some people pay a lot of attention to their dreams, as others just pass right by them. Some believe that dreams have meaning. So what are dreams? Why do we dream? Do they mean anything?

Dreams are said to be the experience of visualized images, sounds, or other sensations during sleep. The things that happen in your dreams are most likely not able to happen in reality and are not usually controlled by the dreamer. There’s only one exception, which is lucid dreaming. Lucid dreaming is when a dreamer realizes that they are dreaming, and is sometimes able to change the reality around them in the dream. Dreamers can experience very strong emotions when dreaming. Frightening or upsetting dreams are called nightmares.

The absolute reason we dream isn’t quite known yet but there has been some tests done which give us at least some information towards it. There are two sets of ideas on why we sleep: physiological and psychological.

Physiological deals with how the body works. Some scientists have suggested that maybe we dream to exercise our brains. Messages are constantly moving among all your brain cells to keep you moving, digesting, thinking…etc when you’re awake. So when you’re sleeping, dreams are exercising the pathways between all the brain cells. To help this make sense, studies have shown that your brain waves during REM sleep are a lot like your brain waves when you’re awake. Although, during other parts of sleep, the brain waves look very different, but during those times, you aren’t in REM sleep so you aren’t dreaming as solidly.

The psychological set of ideas has to do with your thoughts and feelings. Most dreams are actually about immediate concerns in our lives. As crazy as it sounds, some dreams can actually help us learn more about ourselves. Other dreams may just be practice to prepare us with dealing with problems in the daytime.

Dreams can be about several different things like fears, hopes, wishes, plans or worries. They could be about left over things that have been unsettled in the day. Or even concerns we couldn't quite handle. Dreams are also thought to be prophetic, meaning they can predict upcoming events in the future.

Sigmund Freud was one of the people that were very interested in interpreting dreams. He considered that dreams contained symbols of things that are hidden deep within our minds and memories. One of Freud’s important discoveries was that buried emotions in the unconscious surface in disguised form during a dreaming state, and the remembered fragments of a dream can help uncover the buried feelings. Many people have derived insights into themselves from studying their own dreams, and most people currently consider dreams emotionally significant.

There are many different types of dreams: repetitive dreams, predictive dreams, nightmares and lucid dreaming. Repetitive dreams are dreams that are reoccurring, or repeated. These dreams are fairly common and is said that they are very important to whoever is dreaming them. It is carrying a message that is well worth recovering. If the reoccurring dream has happened since you were very young then it probably ties into an aspect of your personality, which has been a problem to you throughout your whole life. The reoccurring dream will disappear once the issue is recognized that the dream is confronting and trying to get you to confront as well. However, a reoccurring dream may also link into a current problem or preoccupation.

Predictive dreams, or prophetic dreams, are dreams that predict something that could happen in the near future. Some often treat these dreams with a great amount of caution, but there’s no need to worry. The dream may not actually come true; it may actually be your fears, among other things, causing you to have some sort of worrisome dream. Statistics have shown that most of these dreams are mainly just coincidence, even though you think the dream is predicting the future. When we think of dream interpretations, common sense should always be important. It is only in the present century that it’s been made clear to pay attention to our dreams and discover how they can help us.

Nightmares, the good old frightening dreams that cause trauma in the middle of the night. They are not the product of any physical activity like overeating or overdrinking like people have thought in the past. It is the effect of some sort of waking anxiety that is so perceptive that it is dragged into your dreams. Children experience nightmares the most due to all their anxieties in their growing life, trying to get used to the world. There is nothing to really worry about when it comes to nightmares, unless they occur night after night. The problem is probably more serious and the waking problem that is prompting them should be looked for. Something that seems simple like loneliness or jealousy can easily be turned inward into nightmares. Adults that experience reoccurring nightmares should be carefully looked upon as well.

Last but not least, lucid dreaming. Which is known as dreaming while knowing you are doing so. This usually occurs in the middle of a dream when the dreamer discovers that the events that are happening are not in the physical reality.

There are two levels of lucid dreaming: high and low. A dreamer experiencing a high level of lucidity is fully aware that they are in bed, sleeping and everything they are experiencing is all just a creation of the mind. They realize they cannot suffer any physical harm due to anything that happens in the dream.

A dreamer experiencing a lower level of lucidity is not fully aware that what they are going through is a sole creation of their mind. This would allow the dreamer to do activities such as flying, or what interests them the most at the time because they don’t realize they are actually lying in bed sleeping. Regardless, the dreamer may still see physical threats and other characters in the dream, to be completely realistic.

Being able to control a dream and being lucid, does not always link together. You could be able to control a dream but not know you are actually dreaming. It’s also possible to be completely aware you are having the dream, but have little control in the dream. Although, the dreamer of a highly lucid dream has the choice to either participate in the dream, or be the creator of it. That would be much more enjoyable.

In conclusion, sleep and dreams can be very tricky but where would we be without them? We need sleep to function properly and the dreams just happen to tag along with it. However, the dreams can be very helpful if you pay attention to them. So the two of them combined allow us to appreciate them as part of our daily lives.



Sites:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/science/humanbody/sleep/articles/whatissleep.shtml

http://www.wsu.edu/DrUniverse/dreams.html

http://www.wsu.edu:8080/~wldciv/world_civ_reader/world_civ_reader_2/freud.html

http://library.thinkquest.org/C005545/english/dream/types.htm

Monday, January 15, 2007

Lies. vs. Truth.


I can't deal with this anymore! My headaches are getting even worse and it's hard to deal with every fuckin day. Geee, I wonder why this is happening again.....
I wish things didn't have to be so fucked up. Wait, they don't have to be. They just always are!

I know what you're doing now and I don't like it.
You can't keep putting me through this shit! I've broken down my wall and taken a good look for myself. You're not who I thought you were. You're not who I first met. You're too good with your words. You've got me attached by those stupid little strings and you control my every move. You're hurting me day by day now. But you don't fuckin care. You never did. I'm just, here!
Use me .... yeah, I bet you already have. You claim you'd never do that, but I know you fuckin have! It's what you've been doing all along. Are there even any feelings attached?!
I ain't playing these games anymore. I fuckin love you, but it's not mutual. You can't just play around with someone that cares so fuckin much. Might as well put a fuckin gun to my head! It's just the same.
The answers to the questions .... I feel right through them. There's nothing there. It's not solid. You lied to me ... several times throughout. Wait, that's no different than any other time. It's just lie after lie after lie. No wonder I'm so fuckin confused all the time!
You didn't even answer my questions. You just worked around them. Half of your answers had nothing to do with the questions. You played your words well. Thinking you can get away... but you can't.
After discovering the truth behind the answers, I was fuckin devestated. You don't even know I know these things though. You'd deny it anyways. Then pretend you're all hurt cuz I don't believe you. Well fuck you!! I'm sick and tired of all this shit.
Why couldn't you just speak the truth from the beginning! I hate lies and you're full of them. You obviously don't care what the hell I'm going through with the shit you're doing.
I hope it all comes back to you in the end. I hope you fuckin realize what you've lost too.

I fuckin hate that I love you!

FUCK YOU!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Pain. Pain. It's All The Same.

Some things just remain misunderstood.
Many questions just remain unanswered.
Several days pass by and it's all the same.

You're fuckin killing me...........



But I don't mind.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Title Unknown

So, Things are fucked.

I don't know what to do anymore.

Might as well dig myself a fuckin grave.

The end.