New Year. New Life.

New Years tomorrow.
So much shit to do.
But once the party's started...
There's not a care in the fuckin world!
I don't care anymore!
FUCK IT ALL!

When Souls Meet .:. Comfort Within

I had an absolutely amazing night.
But I felt something today I haven't felt almost ever before.
It's puzzling. But I'm not gonna let it get to me too much.
But it's slightly scaring me. And I don't know why.
There's another thing slightly scaring me, but I won't mention.
I'm sure it's not the case. But only time will tell.
Other than that, I wouldn't have traded this night in for anything.
I loved it. Every bit of it.
I'll treasure it. That's for sure. <3

Out It Pours...

- I'm tired of hiding my sexuality
- I can't handle not being accepted
- I hate hearing the things they say about me
- I'm tired of all the yelling that goes on
- I hate always causing so much hassle in my house
- I regret dropping out of school
- I'm tired of people always after me about school
- I miss my friends
- I feel like a failure
- I almost regret not going to Klare's party
- I wish I had more to do with my life
- I'm tired of doing so much for everyone and getting it thrown right back in my face
- I wish I was more appreciated
- I'm tired of being thrown around and called things
- I wish I was more understood
- I'm tired of them thinking it's all for show; just want attention. Cuz that's not the case!
- I wish people were there for me
- I hate how I can't push things aside dealing with him
- I wish I didn't let things bother me when it comes to him and others
- I need to know if Emily existed or not
- I wish people would listen
- I'm confused about Eric
- I wish my family wasn't torn apart
- I hate being so distant from him
- I want my headaches/dizziness to go away
- I wish people respected me more
- I feel so hurt and torn apart inside but don't know why
- I wish things weren't returning to how they were before


I know there's more but that's all I can get right now. I'll add more here and there.

This Is Life

So, it's been awhile.............. Things are good. =)
Well, it's all not true. There is nothing between them. All those posts from before are pointless. Although it's what I felt at the time. But there is nothing between them at all. It was all lies.

Well, things are going really well. Last night was pretty fun. Slept at Kerri's. Shane was there for a bit. Was nice to spend time, all three of us together. We drank. We smoked. We had a good time. (Well, Shane didnt drink) But once he left, Kerri and I kept going and going. We were drunk and fried outta our minds. Bad combo. It was real fun though. But I kept passing out here and there. I haven't been that fucked up in my life! I ended up waking up at 7am, feeling sooo sick. Yup, between then and 9am, I threw up twice. Oops, looks like someone had a bit too much. lol Finally got back to sleep around 11. Was fine after that. =)
Throughout today, I also sliced my finger open, quite deep. And I swallowed a quarter. Yup. Interesting ain't it? The things I do... geez. It was an accident by the way. I wouldn't purposely swallow a quarter. Okay, maybe I would. But that's not the point. This was an accident. lol Scared the crap outta me though and it still kinda hurts. But atleast it's not lodged in my throat and have to go to the hospital. Cuz that would just top it all off. lol

I babysat today. Paige came with me. It was quite fun. Although Taylor had some jealousy issues cuz she wasn't getting as much attention as usual. Gah. Oh well. But we finally walked up town and dropped the letter off to Santa. Well, Paige's and Taylor's letters. It was a cold walk. I made sure they were all bundled though. In fact, Taylor was the only one without gloves/mittens. So I offered her mine. She wouldn't take them. I forced her to though. lol That's me, sacrificing for others. =P I didn't mind. I had her wear mine and I just tucked my hands in my sleeves. I'd rather the kids be all warm. I went without. And it felt good to do that. She needed it more than me. She's just a little one. I'd rather see me go without than have her freeze. I love doing things like that. The littlest things that make such a difference. And you know they appreciate it.

I'm a good person. I can admit that. I never thought it. But I've come to realize, I am. And that's what I live for. I was talking to someone about that the other day. I live for others. I help out wherever possible. I sacrifice things for others. I do anything now a days. As long as I make a difference. Even the slightest thing. Like Taylor being warmer. I don't live for me and my life. I live for everything around me. The people. The nature. My closest friends. Everyone and Everything. That's why I'm here. It's making a difference in me and the world I'm surrounded by. In the end, there's nothing wrong with it. Any of it. Is there really negative to this? I feel great. I've felt content for quite a few days in a row now. And I'm making a difference.

That probably made no sense. But it's hard to word. lol

I love my friends. I'd be lost without them. They mean soooo much to me. I'd do anything for them. Absolutely anything! I Love You'z!!! You all know who you are! <3333

I love life and everything with it. The good and the bad. Things wouldn't be the same if there wasn't bad with it. You gotta learn somehow. And if a mistake is what it takes, so be it. Learn from it and move on. Why sit there and regret it. Tearing yourself apart from it. It's not worth it. Learn. Learn from it all. Look beyond what's there. It almost makes things easier. This is me. This is my life. I couldn't be happier.

-- .ѕомεтίмεѕ ίтѕ тнε ѕмаłłεѕт đεсίѕίοиѕ тнат саи снаиgε γоυя łίfε fояενεя. --

You Fuckin Bastard!

You can't do that to someone!
People have feelings.
People are fragile.
You can't just play them like a game.
You can't just do as you wish.
You need to think about the other.
But you just act.
You just act away.
You don't care.
Do you even take time to think?!
You've hurt me.
You've hurt me several times.
You've hurt me bad!
But once again, you walk away.
Smile on your face.
Heart in one piece.
Her hand in yours.

What the fuck were you thinking?!
Did you ever care?!
Did you ever speak the truth?!
Or was it all lies...
Every bit of it.
Just as I thought.
I can't fucking believe you!
You aren't who I thought you were.

You can't do this to someone!
How do you live like this?
How do you play them so easily?
How do you sleep at night?!
Does it even matter?
Any of it?
Do you care who you hurt?
Do you care how they feel?
I don't think so!

You can't fuckin do this to someone!!!!
.... Especially the one you 'love'.
It really fucks someone up!
I only wish I could put you through this.
Make you feel the pain.
See how you fuckin feel!!

FUCK YOU!!

Surfing The Clouds

Man what a weekend. Well, Thursday on ...

Kerri slept over Thursday night. That was quite nice. Then she slept over again Friday night. Was awesome. Although, I babysat sooo much lately. Yesterday I babysat 4-730. Then right after that, was sent somewhere else to babysit 3 more kids. Til midnight! Gah. Then I had to babysit again today 4-730. Might have to go back again tonight. I'm so drained. I feel like Imma pass out or something. Plus, don't feel like eating, so that probably doesn't help. Overall, this was a pretty good weekend. Had a great time.

I have a nice fricken bump on my head too, hurts like a bitch. Can't even lightly touch it. lol
When I got home last night from babysitting, my mom wouldn't let Kerri and I past her to get to my room unless we had ID. We didn't have anything on us to show her. So she wouldn't let us through. lol Well, I decided to try leaping over her to get past. I did this a good 8 times. Went from trying to climb over her, to running and like flying over her! lol Well the very last time I did it, I was like upside down. My feet were touching the top of the fridge, part of my body touching my mom and my head was on the floor. I went to move and my head slammed right into the bottom stair. My neck cracked too. That hurt. But I couldn't help but laugh. Then after that I just went and got stoned with Kerri anyways, so it was all good. Til I woke up this morning. haha ... I almost feel like I'm becoming a pot-head. I like have to do it everyday now. Probably isn't good. I love the feeling though. I feel great when high. Obviously. =P But like, I depend on it daily. Especially lately when I've been busy. I'd come home and smoke. Just relax. Feels great. Makes life much easier. But I don't wanna start depending on it too much. But to me, there's nothing wrong with it. Why should I not do it? ... I could care less. It makes me feel real good. It's not interfering with my life. There's nobody to stop for. Who cares.
Eversince I started keeping my distance and forgetting about Eric, I've been like running wild. Doing everything and anything I shouldn't or couldn't do. I guess in a way that's bad. But ah well. Like I do everything and anything now. It's insane. But I really don't care. =)

I'm happy ... doesn't that matter?

Too Far In My Mind

I had a pretty good day I suppose. Kerri and Shane took me out for dinner. =) That was quite nice. Even though things didn't go as planned, but it turned out alright!

Kerri slept over. I love having her around. I'm so glad we're hanging out more like we wanted. It's great.

I don't have much to say about today ... I'm so tired. I'm extremely out of it anyways, so I'm hoping I'll have more to say tomorrow or something.

Plus, all of tonight, I've been really 'not with it'. Like, thinking too much. Going too far into life. Thinking about things you don't really think about or even wonder about. Just everything in general. It's really odd.
One thing I really loved, was just laying back on my bed, stoned outta your mind. Just laying there staring up at the ceiling, thinking about life in general. Wondering about things you never have time to think about...etc. Stupid little things like, "I wonder how we got here". Odd things like that. (although I dont really think about that one :P)
I remember mentioning to Kerri today, about how Doctors are always telling us we shouldn't drink, smoke or do drugs. But I bet atleast half of them smoke, drink or even do drugs, quite often. I don't know why I mentioned it. Well I do but it's hard to word. It was real random though.
I've been thinking a lot lately, about the fact we are put on this earth, just live our lives. Doing all we do... then just die. Like what's the point of even doing all we do, if we're just gonna die. Like work our asses off, raise a family, pay rent, bills and all that other crap, go through schooling...etc. And we just die? .... It's really messed up. I don't get it. I don't see a point.. I dunno. Does that even make sense? =S I doubt it. But thats what I've been thinking about. It's hard to word, but I tried.
But yeah, I'm rambling. I'll end this. Heading to bed anyways.

Silence, A Sound So Familiar

(This is not a poem. It's a piece of my mind)

krad os smees tI
peels ot gniyrt ereht yal I
si ti emit tahw rettam oN
ytilaer morf yawa pils nac I oS
lleh rehtona ot flesym emocleW
snoitpecxe htiw enO
ereht srettam gnihtoN
gnihtyna leef t'nac uoY
ecalp otni sknis tsuj lla tI
ton ro stif ti rehtehW
ereht rettam t'nseod tI
retfa noos tuB
eno erauqs ta kcab m'I dna enog s'tI
ereh krad os sleef tI
selcric ni gninnur m'I
sdne reven tsuj tI
esnes sekam gnihtoN
eil a otni snrut gnihtyrevE
?thgir s'tahW
?gnorw s'tahW
wonk reven ll'I
sduolc eht hguorht pils dluoc I hsiW
yks eht hguorht raos dnA
sgniw tub gnihton leeF
ezeerb tcefrep eht dnA
luos ym otni tleM
eromyna srettam reve gnihton dnA
yppah m'I
...ereh krad os s'ti tuB

A Step From The Clouds. A Leap To Existence. Sensibility.

Everyone!! I have good news upon more good news! lol Well I guess it's good news.
I'm moving on people!!! I'm moving onnn!!! =D haha ... It's good news.

Today was absolutely amazing. I had a great day! Went as follows:

• Woke up at 4pm (I know, horrible! lol)
• Showered
• Got dressed
• Texted Shane
  
• Dried my hair
• Did laundry
• Chatted online a bit
• Ate a tad bit
• Around 6, Shane arrived
• Took me to Timmies
• Came back. Got stoned.
• Watched tv a bit and talked
• Around 830, we left for bowling!
• Got to the bowling alley early
• Decided to get something to drink while we waited
• Talked a bit while waiting
• 915, finally able to bowl! haha
• Played 17 games. One tied. Shane won one. I won the rest.
• Mwahaha, I rule! =P
• I got really dizzy somewhere in here, when bowling. Thought I was gonna pass out.
• Decided to go outside for fresh air.
  
• Also, I beat my highest score (101) - I got 116 today! GO MEEE!!
• During that game, I got 5 strikes. WooT!
  
• Around 1145, left the bowling alley
• Went back to my house
• Got stoned.
• Talked. Talked. Talked.Talked.
• Texted each other. (haha, like an inch away) =\
• Around 115, Shane left.
• I went and hit around a ball with Cody and Randy.
• Asked how everyone was and how their night was.
• Hopped online after about an hour of that game.
• Randy kidnapped me.
• Next thing you know, all three of us are in my room.
• With the black light on.
• I get stoned again.
• I try to get the boys to take atleast one toke.
• They do. =) Imma good influence!
• ......(skipping after that).......
• Came downstairs after and here I am!!

I was in a really good mood all day long. It was amazing. It feels great being single. I mean, as actually being able to get out and do what I want. I just felt so happy and above the world all day. Possibly because I got stoned three different times, but still!!! I was talking to Randy a few minutes ago. I've decided, I'm going to try and get a girlfriend instead. It's been awhile since I've dated a female. I'm tired of hiding it. I don't care what my mom thinks anymore. =) So we shall see how it goes. Possibly meet some people in the process. I'm quite excited. I'm getting out and doing a lot more now. Like the past few days have been busy. I've actually done things! It's great. I love how I feel. And with me being this happy, it feels even better to move on. I feel like I actually have the strength, I'm not letting it bring me down. I'm happy, not sad! I'm getting out and doing everything I can and want. I'm not isolating myself in my room, crying my eyes out. I'm happier than ever! I'm enjoying my life!
Everything with Eric doesn't really upset me. It doesn't bring me down. It actually really pisses me off! I hate what he's done. I hate that I don't know the truth. I hate that I played along for so long...etc. But it's all good. I'm happy. I like it that way. He can live his life. And I hope in the end, he realizes what he's lost. Hey, ya snooze, ya lose. Sorry buddy, you've had your chance. More than you deserved. He better enjoy Sara and all the others. Hope they're all worth it. He's seriously missing out. =) Gawd.

Anyways, happiness is surrounding meeee!!! I've felt great. But this is just day one. Moving on will get harder. But not if I don't let it. Mwahahaha!! This is a good thing Court, not bad. Consider it a lesson learned, move on and enjoy it all! Live each day to the fullest. You're free now. You did the right things today...all of it. You deserved every bit of it. You had a great day. You didn't let anything get to you. Now keep it up! ... Okay Im done talking to myself. :$

I was so glad to see Shane. I haven't hung out with him in a long time! I had a great time. I felt so spoiled though. lol He bought me Timmies, paid my way bowling, bought me a slush, got me stoned, twice....etc Geeez! lol It was great though. It was amazing. I can't wait to hang out with him and Kerri though. I hung out with Kerri Thursday and Shane Saturday. lol But not all of us together! haha - The day will come soon enough! I'll make sure of it. Anyways, I don't even think I can really put it to words. lol It was fantabulous... and beyond!!! I love friends. =) .... True friends atleast. hehe

I hope everyones day was good.
This day was the best in a loooong time!!
I'm so happy!!! =)
Goodnight.
<3

Forget All The Things I Should've Said

I don't know what the fuck to do anymore. I'm at the end of the rope. I can't take this anymore! I don't fuckin deserve this! ... or do I!? I'm tired of being clueless. I'm tired of the arguments. I'm tired of feeling so much pain, on a daily basis. I'm tired of feeling like you don't care. I'm tired of the thoughts of you two together. I'm tired of trying to fight for you to just notice me. I'm tired of trying to get you to just, talk to me. I'm tired of trying to fight the others, defending you. I want to feel like I can comfortably talk to you. I don't want to be scared of you. I don't want to be scared to open up. I don't want to leave you alone. I hate feeling so distant from you. I hate feeling like you don't care. I hate feeling like you don't have time for me. If you loved me enough, you'd find a way to contact me. I'd feel like you truly loved and cared for me like you say you do. I wouldn't feel so much pain. I wouldn't be constantly wondering about things between us. I wish I knew what happened. I miss how things used to be. You used to email me all the time, just to say you loved me, hope I have a good day, just to check in. You used to call me almost every night. Even if it was pointless, useless conversations, it didn't matter. We were happy to just hear each other speak. I felt so wanted, loved, cared for and...special. You used to treat me so well. I actually felt so loved and cared about then. You made me feel so good. I felt so close to you. I could tell you anything. You listened, you were there for me. Now, I feel like I'm chasing after you. I shouldn't have to do that! I try to contact you, but get nothing in return. When we do talk, it's arguments. We practically can't talk anymore. It seems we can't have decent conversations anymore. We're so distant. I hate it. It's tearing me apart. We're falling apart!
I understand you work a lot. I understand you take any shift possible so you can have money for college. I understand all of that. But when I was scared we'd lose contact when you first got the job, you reassured me you'd have weekends off to spend with me. I haven't seen you since you started working. Or maybe it just doesn't matter anymore. You work too much. I'm outta the picture. But I guess it doesn't matter. You have the one you need, right by your side. You don't need me. She lives there. I'm out of your way. You don't need me anymore....


Mood: Depressed/Shattered
Song(s): Roadside by Rise Against -//- Epiphany by Staind

[ w ί т н đ я а w и ]

I realized that drugs can't take away your pain.
They can't change things for you.
Infact, they can make things worse.
Like tonight.
I almost regret it.
But either way, I'd be like this no matter what.
I want this all to end.
I can't put up with this much longer.
I need help.
Before it's too late.
=(

As Darkness Settles

I desperately need someone to talk to.
Not just anyone either.
It seems the person I was willing to talk to, wasn't there for me though.
Imma lose myself sooner or later...
But I guess time will tell.

In The Shadows...

Four in the fricken morning and I can't sleep. I went to sleep around twelve. Was upset and didn't have any other choice. Randomly woke up around two-thirty. Went to the washroom, sat in the living room for like five minutes, then went to bed again. I couldn't sleep. I was lying there in and out of sleep from two-thirty until about three-thirty. Not sure if I'd call it sleeping though. It's where you're somewhat dreaming, eyes closed and everything but you can still hear and know what's going on around you. I began to think things I really shouldn't think in the first place. They began to scare me. The thoughts became a nightmare. I tried my hardest to try to get back to sleep. I did all I could, in fear of getting up and putting myself in danger. I finally decided to get up and go sit in the living room with my bro. Atleast then I was surrounded by someone, knowing I can't get away with anything stupid. I couldn't just lye there. The thoughts were too extreme. I watched tv for a bit and now, here I am. I really want to go to bed. I've only slept two hours, I shouldn't be up! But I'm so wide awake, I hate it. I don't want to go back to bed unless I know I can go right to sleep. I don't want to face those thoughts again. I can't stand lying there awake.
I really can't run from these thoughts, can I? Now they haunt me in my dreams. Will I ever be at peace? I just want this all to end .... =(

It's Always Raining In My Head

I won't lie. I'm not alright. I'm really down. I hate it. Something's not right somewhere. And once again, nobodys there. This is great. I'm really enjoying this...... not. I don't even know what to do. There's nobody to talk to. Eric just went to bed, not even realizing something's wrong. (go figure) I might aswell just go isolate myself like usual. I should be used to this by now.

I hate this!!!

Yayness Inna Tug Boat!

Wow, seems like it's been forever since I added to this. Guess I've been too carried away with my life. lol - Things have been really good. I've had my bad days, but things are really starting to come together and I couldn't be happier! Well I could, but I won't complain. lol - Things between Eric and I are finally straightening out. Which feels really good. I'm really glad things are getting better, with everything really. Except today, had a random outburst and things seemed like they were before. Which isn't good. =\ I completely snapped at my mom, yelling at the top of my lungs at her. Then once Cody was up, he questioned me. Next thing you know, they are both all in my face, yelling at me, like full out yelling!! Yup, I cried. Haven't cried in awhile. It almost seemed, odd! lol - But the day got better. So in the end, it's all good!!

Once my mood changed, I offered to take Paige for a walk. =) We headed to Macs and got candy, ofcourse! lol On the way there, we talked the entire time. I actually like walking with her, cuz it doesn't feel like I'm with a 10 year old. She talks so, mature! lol - Kinda. It was shocking. She was talking about like, politics and stuff. Was actually learning things from her! It was insane!!! She may be a spoiled brat and piss everyone off, but one on one, she's a great girl. I love being around her. She's like my little sister dammit. Been that way since the start! I watched her grow up for cryin out loud! =P
After the walk, I asked her what she wanted to do. We ended up playing Monsters Inc. Life. Wasn't bad. Got along real well, she didn't cheat or anything. haha - Only cuz I looked up instructions for everything she said that sounded odd to me. Mwahahahaha!!!

Not much else to say here. Things have been almost too good for words! lol - Not much really going on lately. Friday was awesome. Was pretty wild, but everyone that I really talk to, already knows what went on, so no need to mention. - lol - Plus, don't wanna ruin my reputation. hehee - Oh, and the movie Borat is absolutely amazing!!! Fricken hilarious movie!!! There was no part in the movie where there wasn't people laughing!! The theatre was drenched with laughter! Ever get the chance, you have to see it!!!

Anywho, this shall be all for now! But I must say, YAY FOR HAPPINESS!! =)
Gawd, Im so glad things are coming together! They fall apart like before, I'll have to fricken duct tape it all back!! So don't make me get the tape out people! You'll be sorry!! hehehe

Goodnight everyone! <3

I Dare You

I dare you to tell me
You loved me all along
Say we were meant to be
Say we'd last forever

Accuse me of lying
Say it's all my fault
It's all worth trying
Say it all

Look me in the eyes
Lie to me once more
Tell me how much I mean to you
Just call me a whore

Wrapped around your little finger
You think it's under control
You could care less
It's just another heart you stole

Treated like a puppet
Think I'll do as you say
But little do you know
I'll just walk away

I dare you
Trample me again
You'll be surprised
I wont take the pain

I fuckin dare you!!

Turn Back Time

Wish I could go back. To the days where I couldn't feel. Life was a dream, nothing was real. There was no light in day. Only dark as night. I was my own enemy. No love, No pain. Not like tonight. You didn't exist. I was alone. I liked it that way. Feelings were unknown. I was numb. I didn't know the day, the month, or even the year. I was happy on my own. Wandering off to unfamilar places. Exploring the world, unknown. Couldn't shed a single tear. There was no sun. The streets were dim. I walked alone. I was the only one. The wind sang to me. I smiled pleasantly. I didn't know what it was like. To hurt. To bleed. To want or need. It was me, myself and I. No other soul existant. I could smile and mean it. I didn't want to die. Things weren't a blur. They were clear as day. My head was empty. My mind at peace. It was perfect this way. I could run from home. Never go back. I wouldn't be missed. Nobody there to worry. The world was black. The sky pure white. I, blood red. It all seemed right. Life was perfect.

:: Which Of Us Do You Love? ::

Well, today was an overall, good day. I was so tired though. That's all I ever am anymore. The pills make me yawn like crazy and I always seem tired. I took a powernap today though, after that I've been fine. Really good mood and not tired. The thing I hate though, is I have a hell of a time sleeping anymore. I don't know if it's cuz I have so much shit going on in my head, that it interferes with my sleeping or what. I woke up at like 7ish (4 hrs after I went to bed) and tossed and turned afterwards. I had a hell of a time sleeping!!

Well, here's some things, in order, from today.

• Woke up
• Showered
• Went up town with mom and grandma
• Handed out a resume (woo fun)
  
• Watched my mom get her hair cut =\
• Babysat for about half an hour
• Chatted online for a bit
• Ate supper
• Texted Matt a bit (asking about Emily)
• Took a nap
• Chatted online/Watched tv
• Talked to Eric a bit - finally!
• Been online since then
• Heading to bed soon

What a fun day, huh? Yeah, full of a bunch of nothing!! Well, on a somewhat good note, I don't babysit for the rest of the week. So I got the whole week to myself. Which is good but bad. lol Not like I do anything anyways. All I'll be doing is cleaning up the house with my mom, getting ready for Christmas stuff. I can't believe Christmas is like right around the corner. It's fricken crazy! I don't know where the year's gone! It's insane!!! I'm slightly excited though. I love Christmas. Only cuz it's so full of happiness, family, singing...etc. Things like that. Such a warm feeling that comes with that holiday. I've always loved Christmas for the family reason, but now I don't see family cuz our family practically split apart. We don't get along. So it kinda sucks. But it's still good. Main reason I like Christmas this year, is for the Christmas carols. hehe - I looove singing. But it sucks though. I miss being in choir. I miss being in the concerts around the holidays. Performing, Christmas Caroling...etc. Things like that. It really sucks. Man, is there negative to EVERYTHING?! .... Sucks ass! Oh well. lol I'll make my own damn choir! Just me, myself and I! hehe - I think I've gone a bit far on that one.

Anyways.... Things are alright. Sammy helped me out and got rid of my upset'ness earlier. So I'm feeling a bit better now. (I just wish I could've helped her out a bit more. I feel bad. She's always helping me. I hate seeing her like this, but I did what I could. I hope I helped atleast a bit. Hope she feels better soon too!) Well, what was bothering me doesn't seem to bother me as much anymore, but I still have my times. I'm sure I will for awhile too. We'll see.

I thought a lot about Emily today. It really sucks. I miss her, alot. Whether she existed or not. I decided to put her back in my msn name cuz even though I don't know if she truly existed, she still has a place in my heart, and mind. She was a big part of my life no matter what. I just wish I could have some closure; figure it out!! It's bothered me since the day I got the news that she passed. Losing three people in one and a half years, isn't easy!!!

Well, on a happier side of things, I stayed in a decent mood majority of the day. Yes, that's a good thing. I'm so hyped, crazy n wild now a days. And you know what? I Looove It! =) Nobody can stoppp me!! hehehee - lol Im much more outgoing than I used to be. It's good. I missed this side of me. Let's just hope it stays.

Well, I'm running out of things to say. This is much longer than I expected to. Damn me and my writing! So I shall be going for now. I will return though. Always do. Ain't you a lucky little blog! =P

Goodnight everyone. <3

What's Reality?

Well, haven't added to this in two days. Usually add to it every day. But lately haven't been up to it.
Yesterday sucked . Was supposed to go to the movies with Cody and Randy but the movie we were trying to see was sold out. We had so much time to waste and we were in Windsor. Didn't know what the hell to do. We drove around. Sat down by the river front. Went to Zellers. Anything, waiting till 945, pretty much doing fuck all. Then after that, drove to Randys friends (in Windsor) cuz its her birthday today and he said he'd stop to see her. But she worked till 930. Once we got there, it was messed up cuz she walked past us, then wouldnt answer her door. Once she finally came out, Randy was talking to her for 45 fricken minutes while Cody and I sat in his car freezing our asses off and dying of boredom. Real fun. Then I fell asleep on the way home. Even though it was only 11-1130ish. I felt like shit the whole time we were in Windsor cuz I took three pills that were all supposed to be taken with food and I had only a bagel in the morning. Yeah, smoothe move Court. So my stomach was doin summersaults the entire time. I felt weak and dizzy at times. That probably aint good. But I ate when I got home and was alright after that. Well, guess I wont ever do that again. Lesson learned!

Today. Well, I don't even know. I feel really, 'not so good' today. Found out there's something wrong with my uncle. He's really ill. He apparently looks awful too. He's losing soooo much weight and anything he eats just goes right through him. Apparently he might have cancer. But we think my Aunt (his wife) is keeping something from us. Nobody will tell us anything thats going on, so it's fucked. We all think he has cancer. Apparently he's had tests done but nobody'll say anything. So this is great. *rolls eyes*
Got a random text around 7pm today. From a number I didnt recognize. Asked them who it was. Well, oddly enough, it was.... Matt! It was shocking. But I didn't really want to talk to him. He's living in Kingston now, with Jennie still. He works at Rona and apparently things are good. Well, good for him. But while talking to him, I felt so.... empty. I don't kknow. Was an odd feeling. And I wasn't really in the mood to be talking to anyone. But it was nice to hear from him. Talked to him for a tad bit. Then Liv was texting me. Bah! Times I don't really wanna talk to anyone, people swarm me!!!

Well, today..... lately. I've been bothered by something. I'm sick and tired of being second choice!! I won't explain it here. You wanna know? Ask me. Depending on who you are, I may just tell. Otherwise, well you're outta luck then huh. Sucks to be you. All I know is it's really getting to me and it needs to change!! Already told one, so it's off my chest. And I thank her for listening~!! Still eats at me, but it's been said. It's all good now.

Another thing, I sleep a lot now. The pills make me really tired and drowzy. I sleep so much, it's at a point where I can't tell the difference from dreams and reality. I get them mixed up. I don't really see a reality anymore. That might be kinda bad. It's really messed up. But reality to me, is dreams. Doesn't seem real, majority of the time. And when I'm sleeping, I wake up thinking my dreams were reality. It's opposite. Or it's all dreams!! Wherever my reality ran off to, it better get back cuz this is really fuckin me up! So if anyone comes across it, do me a favor and send it back my way. I might need it!! Thanks.

That would be all for now...... GAH!

Ramble

My head hurts.
Babysitting was hell !!!
Got wacked in the head & back with a hockey stick...
By a fricken one year old!
I'm really tired.
Not feeling well.
I think I'm coming down with something.
Recorded the song I made up on guitar.
I miss Eric.
Didn't talk to Sammy.
Day flew by.
I'm so drowzy.
I think it's the pills.
I'm going to bed early tonight.
Day was messed up.
Mood is all blah.
That's all for now.

All The Same

Today was another decent day. Was up at 1030. Shocking, I know. I even tried to force myself to sleep longer, but I couldn't. Laid in bed from 10-1030. Decided to get up. It kinda sucked. Wasn't really anything to do. But my mom, bro and I decided to go to Leamington. So we cleaned up the house and did what needed to be done, and went to CR Music Room. Cody got his guitar fixed up. He bought a guitar strap, capo, strings, bunch of pics, pic holder, string lubricant stuff.... I think thats all. I don't know. He bought a bunch of shit. But anyways, it was worth the $45. lol - I love the new strings, they sound so pretty! hehe - I was playing a lot today. I put together a song. Sounds decent, I guess. My mom was pretty impressed and my bro, well, he argued with me. He's the one that taught me a few things and I threw a bunch of stuff together and made my own thing. He claims its not my song cuz he showed me. But Im the one that put it together, so whatever. I dont care. lol - I'm pretty excited, I get a guitar for Christmas. Then I can play all I want, do whatever to it and it'll be great. I love playing guitar!! Its like an addiction. Eversince I first picked it up, I cant seem to put it down. I play every day now! Another good thing about having my own guitar, is Cody and I can play together. Like, there's a song by Dallas Green that has two parts, we can both play it. So he plays one part, I play the other and we can record it. If our timings right, it'll all work out in the end. It'll be great! Music excites me!!! lol - My mom's kinda shocked with how much we've progressed throughout the past little while. I'm surprised she hasn't gotten annoyed with us yet. She must enjoy our playing. =P Anyways, enough guitar talk! =/ After a bunch of guitar playing, Randy, Cody and I went for a random drive to Burger King, then to McDonalds. Then on the way home, got pulled over. lol - Stupid cops! We were down by the dock and a cop decided to go down there as we went to leave. He ofcourse pulled us over. Just wanted to see what we were up to. The usual. They're good like that. *rolls eyes* It was kinda awkward though. Cuz my bro said "Ya we just got back from Burger King" ... yet the cop looked back at me, holding McDonalds milkshakes. That seemed a big awkward. lol Plus we were laughing majority of the time. It's so hard to stay serious with cops around! Geeez!!! hehe - Also got to talk to Eric practically all day! That was really nice. I enjoyed that. Even talked to him on the phone. =) I fricken missed him dammit! Anyways, that's all the good stuff.

Bad stuff. Well, once again, just like last night - everything was going good, then it all fell apart. It seems it's always around the same time too! Wtf. I don't get it. It's always around 1030ish. I go to a completely different mood. It all goes downhill and I feel upset'ish. I was on the verge of being upset for awhile tonight. I didn't wanna let myself become upset. I hate it! It better not be the pills doing this to me. It sucks. I don't wanna lose the happiness. I like it! It's so much better than before. Well, ofcourse! Nobody wants to be upset and feel horrible all the time! So anyways, I don't know what it is. But it better stop. I've been doing so good. I don't want it to end!!

That shall be all for now, I suppose. My random babble about today.

(Don't ask me why this is purple. I chose a random colour!)

Screaming Souls

Well, today wasn't too bad. Okay, maybe it was. Well, the day was good, the night wasn't. My day was pretty good. Was really happy. Got some new jeans, talked to Eric, had a good time babysitting...etc. All good stuff. But all of a sudden, around 10:30'ish, it all fell apart. I went from happy to sudden irritation and rage. I don't know why. It just happened. There was no reason for it. Then after a bit of that, went to just upset. Felt almost depressed but not quite. Wasn't too pleasant. I was doing soooo good lately. I don't know what the hell happened. I realized I forgot to take my fricken pill, so maybe that had something to do with it. But I cant see it effecting me already. I've only been taking them since Friday, the 27th. So I dunno. Coulda been anything really. I have no idea. All I know, is I'm going to bed early tonight, like right after this entry. I hate feeling this way, so I'm gonna put a safe end to it. Sleep!

The days better slow the hell down or some people are gonna be very unhappy with their bleeding ears! I'm gonna fuckin screeeeeaaaaam!!!!! The days have been flying by too fast, for the past like two weeks! They need to slow down. There's not enough time to enjoy it. Everything happens so faaaast!! I'm tired of rushing. I'm tired of being overwhelmed. I'm tired of it all!! I'd just like for once to enjoy my day, take my time and get everything done that needs to be. I just want to relax! It's too overwhelming for me. They better slow down pretty soon. =(

Well, I guess this is all for now.....

Accept Me

I think too much. None of it makes sense. Or maybe it just has nowhere to go. So many thoughts and opinions. Nowhere for it to go. Lost in the depths of my mind. Floating to the surface, then placed in the back again. Thoughts for today, tomorrow or even yesterday. Plans for the future. Opinions from the past. Escaping the present to dream toward reality. Moments for babble. Useless information. Important discussion. Random sentences. Just wanting to be heard. Just wanting to be ignored. Words screaming out. Just a simple whisper. It's all there. It's all unsaid. Unheard. Overlooked. Rejected. Ignored. It's all the same. It's how they are. So much to say. So little time. Hear me out. From the inside. I'm more than just skin. I'm not hollow. Listen.

Happy Halloween!!!

Happy Halloween everybody!! Hope you all had a good night. =)
My night was awesome. Turned out even better than I thought. I was happy all day, so that was good. Around 6, I left with my bro and Randy to head to Windsor. We stopped and picked up 'Duke'. Some Asian kid Randy goes to school with. He came to the movies with us. Watched Saw 3. That movie is fuckin amazing!! I loved it. It's so sick and twisted!! For those who have seen the other Saw movies, you HAVE to see this one! It's really twisted, you don't expect what's coming. It's great. Completely surprised me in the end. And this has to be the first movie that actually turns my stomach! lol - I had my arms crossed against my stomach most the time. Usually this kinda stuff doesn't bother me, but this movie actually did turn my stomach! hehe - I'd advise seeing the other Saw movies first before this one, otherwise you might be a little confused. Overall, its a must see!!!
Well I don't know what more to say. I just hope you all had a good Halloween, even if you didn't really do much. Take Care. <3

The Joys Of Halloween

Today was alright. In a decent mood. Carved a pumpkin with my bro. Well, we each did one. I didn't want to. But in the end I had fun and my pumpkin turned out really well. He did a snake (go figure) and I did a cute ghost. hehe - I'm so proud. I ain't fond of carving pumpkins but I love mine! Cody's turned out pretty good too. So in the end, it's all good. Yay For Successful Pumpkin Carving!!! =)


Tomorrow is gonna be pretty busy. Got some running around to do with my mom to get ready for the trick or treaters. *rolls eyes* I'm gonna do some shopping aswell, if I have the time. Then I gotta come home and do what I gotta do and make sure I'm ready to leave. I'm going to see Saw 3 with Cody, Randy and a friend of theirs - Natalie. I don't even know who she is. But I guess I'll find out. She's 19. Well, her birthdays next week. So lets just say she is 19. So it's not too bad. If she was in her 20's like my bro n Randy, then that'd be slightly awkward. We shall see. It'll be interesting.

Well, not much else to say. I miss everyone. Where the hell are youz!? lol - I haven't talked to anyone all day. Where'd you all gooooo!?! ... hehe - It's all good though. I had a decent day. I shall add more later, like always. I'm constantly adding things to this! Even pointless little babbles. hehe - It's what I'm good for!! =)
ttfn <3

Sealed With Lies Through So Many Tears

Okay what the fuck is bugging me!?!? I was doing fine today. Wasn't as happy as I've been lately, but was content enough. But now I actually am down. I was doing so good for the little while. I don't know what's wrong though. I don't know what's getting me down. Maybe I'm just tired? .... I mean, it is going on 3am. But it doesn't seem right. If I was just tired, I'd just be ..... tired. Not upset feeling aswell. I'm pretty tired, but I almost feel like I couldn't sleep right now if I tried. I wish I knew what was bugging me. Then it wouldn't bug me as much, I could fix it/push it aside and actually sleep! Well atleast I enjoyed my happy times while they lasted. I guess I'll atleast try and get some sleep. Probably just lay there for hours with a million thoughts running through my head. I'll eventually sleep..... sometime.
*sigh* Goodnight everyone. =(

Poetic Emotions

Well, I'm thankful for the last few days. Had some happy times. Was quite nice. I really enjoyed it. Today is different. I'm really, mellow. I don't know. I'm not all hyped and happy. But I'm also not all down and depressed. I'm....content? I don't really know. It's like I'm not happy, but I'm not down. It's alright I guess. I just feel all blah. I don't really know what else to say. Not much really to say.... It's like my mind's gone blank. Things are so cloudy and unclear. Can't say much, so might aswell stop here. Blaaaaah!!!

Happy Happy, Joy Joy *dances*

hfd <--- that was Paige. lol

Anyways, wow ... Sammy what did you do to meee?!? lol ... Two happy days in a rooow?! My gawd, I dont even know what to do anymore! lol Im so happy, its not even funny! hehehehe I looove this! Im like prancing around everywhere. Smiles galore. Playing guitarrr!! (becoming an addiction!) Bahahahahhaa ... this is greatness! hehe I dont know what you did to me Sammy, but since yesterday, Ive been soo happy. I've never been this happy in soooo long. It feels great!! Sammy I swear you corrupted me. hehe - I think you like opened me up even more or something. Im surprised you even got me moving with ya! lol - *does the twist* YA BABY!!!! hehe....Man, Im all over the place now. In a good way this time! I cant stop moving. Im like hyped 24/7!!! PEOPLE BEWARRRE!! Mwahahahahahaaaa

Anyways, I started taking my antidepressants yesterday. So this is only day 2. Wont affect me yet, as in noticing a difference. But I do notice some side affects already. I'm tired more often, (jaw hurts from yawning so much! lol) but I have a hell of a time sleeping at night!! hehehehee Oh wellzzz!

Only disadvantage about my days lately, is the fact my asthmas been acting up. Cuz I was running home from the doctors yesterday.... looong story. lol So now my broncular tubes..I feel like a burning sensation when I breathe out. Drives me nuts. lol But hey, Im all happppyyyzzz so its all goooooooood! hehehe Gawd I love life at the moment. Its incredible.

WEEEEEE OOOOOOOOOO!!

ttfn - I shall add more soooon. *hugz for all*

(pssst, Paige picked the font colour)
(pssst squared....for those of you that dont know, Paige is my moms friends daughter, shes 10!)'

Ghoztage Twisted Twinzzz!!!!!!

Hoooly Craaaap!!! What a night!! ... I had an amazing day! Im so fricken happy, its unbelievable! I wont be saying much cuz Im wayyyy too far outta my mind to be typing in this so called 'blog' thingy maboberz!!! hehe - Man, Im sooo happy right now!! ... Im so cherishing this moment! aahaha
I had a great time with Sammy today!!! ......Shes even better in person than how I knew her in general! hehe - We better have more times to hang out in the future too dammit!! .... Gotta be the greatest girl I'll ever fricken meet! I sweeeear!!! ... And Jesse is fricken awesome!!!! I totally wasnt expecting him to be so outgoing and crazzzy!!! Great person aswell!! GAAHHH ... Whys me gotta live so far?! hehehe
Anywho, thanks Sammy for an awesome night! ... And Thanks to Jesse aswell!! =) Hope youz had a good time aswell!!!
Baahhahahahahha .... Ive lost myyy mind!!

TO THE MENTAL INSTITUTION!!!!!!!!! *grabs Sammy and off we gooooooo*

teeheehehehehe Goodnight everyone!!!
Hope your day/night was as good as miiiine!!!!!! <3>

Crushed

I need to write. Write. Write. Write. I am raaaaaged!!
Last week, a 'friend' of mine from school - used to be friends with her but now we just talk every so often - she had something in her msn name bout takin 'suicide pics' Wednesday (last week). She now has them up in her myspace and wanted people to comment. I was sickened. I couldn't help it. I commented and mentioned how I hated it. Why would someone even think about taking 'suicide pics'!? ... attention maybe?! Ugh! There was one pic of her 'hanging'. I couldnt stand it! Especially how I myself have lost a loved one to suicide in that same way. It crushes your fuckin soul seeing things like that! And when it's people just messin around like that, it angers me! I'm raged. I'm all over the place. I can't fuckin believe people these days! She left me a comment saying "hey hun..the pics were jut for halloween fun..with me and my friends.. they dont mean ne harm ..sry u feel that way..but im not the only one who has made fake pics.."

First of all, halloween fun?! ... I dont fuckin care! It's not right! It's sickening!!! Can easily have fun in other ways than that, my gawd!! And not the only one that's made fake pics?! .... If that was directed to me, I have no fuckin clue what thats supposed to mean. Cuz I have never taken 'fake pics' like that or anything. I couldn't. Ever! Especially after Alyssa's death. I've lost a chunk of my 'dark side'. Cuz I can't stand to even see the sight of certain things now. People hanging is a major! I can't even look at anything like that. Anything else, well it depends on what it is. I hate ANYTHING indicating suicide though. If she's meaning other people taking fake pics, I dont fuckin care. I dont know those people. I havent seen these pics or anything. So I dont care!!! But the fact that she knew about Alyssa's death, was at the fuckin school the day of...etc And she still has the guts to take these pics and post them! I cant fuckin believe her. I can understand taking the pics maybe for herself, sure. I guess I could handle that. Dont like the idea, but its her fucked up life. Whatever. But the fact she posted them for all to see and begged for comments on them. That's what really gets me. What the hell is wrong with this world?! Or am I just taking this all wrong? I am fuckin scarred after Alyssa's death. I have every right to state my opinion. I have every reason to be raged! I can understand someone wanting attention, but this has gone tooooooooo far!!!!!

Crumbled Lives, Deceased Souls

Where have my days gone
Where has my mind wandered to
Im not the same person
I once thought I knew

These days fly by
Without me
Cloud covered sky
Swarms me

I've lost my mind
Fallen behind
Fading soul
I've lost control

Well that was random ..... Anyways....
These days are passing by without me. I can't keep up. I don't know where this week's gone. It's passed by too quickly. It's already Thursday, late afternoon. Tomorrow's a busy day. It'll be gone in no time. I don't like this. I wish time would slow down, or atleast wait for me. Where has my week gone? -_- I need to find something more to do with my life. I'm wasting my days away. I didn't even wanna get out of bed. I was practically dragged out around quarter to three.
Friday approached too quickly. It's just around the corner. I really don't want to go to the doctors. But I guess Friday night will make up for it. I'll have a good time, I'm sure of it. I can't wait, but I can at the same time. It seems I haven't really had time to 'prepare' myself for tomorrow night. It's almost like it's all happening too quickly. Like being forced into an unwanted situation. Although that's not the case. I'm just worried about the amount and meeting new people. Plus, haven't hung out with Sammy yet. hehe - this outta be interesting. I'm so excited but I just hope tomorrow slows down a bit for me. In the end, Im sure it'll fine!

Pretty In Pain

I'm all over the place. I don't know what I think or feel right now and why. Everything's so scattered! I feel lost or something. I feel really really down right now. But nobodys there to talk to. So Im writing. Whether this makes sense or not, it doesn't matter. I need to do something!

You know what it feels like. It feels like I lost someone. Almost like someone close to me has died or something. But nobody has. I don't know. Something hurts. Like a lot!! I don't know why or what's causing it though. I feel helpless. I feel like a failure. I'm beatin myself up over not opening up to Eric today though. I should've. But I didnt and there's nothing I can do about it now. I'd email him and explain what's going on, but I think it'd be best to actually talk to him. Things need to be said and something needs to be done. I can't keep going on like this. And it's my fault I'm like this now. It's not really his fault I feel this way. And I keep fucking things up over it! I wish I could talk to him more. Things wouldn't be so bad. It's not his fault though. He has a life too. He has things to do. Won't be till like next week we actually get to talk though. We really need to talk. But I'm so scared I'll lose him even more. I'm scared he's gonna run. That's all I'd need right now.... I'd literally lose myself. I'd be long gone. There'd be no more of me. That'd be it.

I had more to say to this. But I completely just lost all thought. More than likely hiding again. To the point I cant think or feel anything. I hide so far in myself. All I can do is stare. I cant think straight. There are no thoughts. I cant feel anything. Nothing. Which is good, but bad. So this will be all for now.

Pull The Trigger

Well Court, you've done it again. You finally get a chance to talk to him. And you fuck it all up again! What the hell is wrong with you?!!? You can't just go straight out and tell him how you feel? Tell him the fuckin pain you've been going through? Tell him how fucked up it seems and how much it fuckin hurts?! ..... How it seems like he's never there?! Like he doesn't care...etc!! My gawd! You need to sort your fuckin thoughts. You seriously need to pull yourself together. Instead of talking and making things work, you're fuckin it up even more!! Way to go Court!

Acceptable Outcome

Update. I talked to him today. I questioned him aswell. Things aren't as they seem. So it's all good. He said he'll talk to the bitch about it. He didn't have a clue where it came from. So they aren't together like she says. Things are good then, if he is telling the truth. So in the end, it turned out well. I hope it stays that way too. If I hear anymore, someone's gonna die!!!!!

From Heaven To Hell

Well I had an interesting night. Kerri came over and spent the night with me. We had an awesome time!! Although we mainly did a lot of talking and catching up with each other. It felt really good to be able to talk to someone!! Have them listen and understand. I really missed her dammit! lol ... We'll be keeping in touch much more often though. So it'll be all good. =) We coulda had a good time without gettin fucked outta our minds. =| ... but it felt good to leave things behind for the time being. hehe - I admit, I was pretty down last night, but I tried to hide it and enjoy the moment. I didn't wanna ruin our time together and bring Ker down with me. So in the end it was alright. I had a hell of a time sleeping last night though! I had the weirdest dream and it wasnt too pleasant. I kept waking up like every 15 minutes! Drove me nuts. I hated it. I was also texting a bunch of people last night when I was in bed, I didnt even realize til this morning when I was going through my texts. It was kinda funny though. I don't even remember texting these things. =| But it was a pretty good night overall. I've been in better moods the past few days. Not as bad as usual. I'm starting to push things aside, which isnt the best, but it works for now. =)

Today's Sammy's birthday!!! YAY!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMMY!! I'm so excited for Friday! Can't wait to hang out. Imma try my best not to be so shy. hehe - It'll all be good though!

Well, I've decided to give up. I've decided it's not really worth being so down over all this shit lately. I'm not contacting him for awhile. I'll see how things go and go from there. I'm tired of chasing him all the time, being so hurt and feeling horrible. I don't deserve this shit. Whether it's true or not...I'm stayin away for awhile. We'll see what happens. But it hurts so bad! I don't know what's going on, so all I can do is wait to see what goes on and see what happens. Hopefully get some answers sometime. I don't understand why I'm being put through all this. What the hell did I do?! I've already been put through it once, and I got thrown to the curb in the end. Now I'm being put through it all again, and all I can do is sit here clueless, suffering in pain from all this shit. Whatever, I can't do anything about it. Just sit and wait. So here I am, sitting and waiting for some answers. Seeing if he even comes around. If I even matter really. We will see in the end. As of now..... FUCK YOU!!! .... and Im not meaning that towards him either, Im meaning it towards his fuckin 'girlfriend'! I don't even know what to think or feel towards him. So whatever!

Just An Average Girl

Everyone should watch this atleast once in their life.

http://www.doubleagent.com/video.php?v=1132&ct=37

Where Old Turns New

Even In Death
[Evanescence]

Give me a reason to believe that you're gone
I see your shadow so I know they're all wrong
Moonlight on the soft brown earth
It leads me to where you lay
They took you away from me but now I'm taking you home

I will stay forever here with you
My love
The softly spoken words you gave me
Even in death our love goes on

Some say I'm crazy for my love, Oh my love
But no bonds can hold me from your side, Oh my love
They don't know you can't leave me
They don't hear you singing to me

And I can't love you, anymore than I do

I will die, but real love is forever.

She can't have you dammit!! No matter what they say!! You're mine!!! I won't go through this all again. I won't let you go!!!
But how could you do this to me?!?! ... again!! ='( This fuckin hurts!
SHE CANT HAAAVE YOOOU!!!!!!!!! ='(

Last In Line

Well today fuckin sucked ass! Things were alright, my moods weren't too bad actually. And well, the loved one finally came around again, talked to him for a bit, but he disappeared once again. Never heard from him again. No surprise. =) I don't know what the hells going on anymore. I'd like to! Anyways, enough with that. I won't even get into that today.....

Day wasn't too bad. Good friend was having issues so I invited her over for the night and things were going good. She was gonna come over after work, at 930. Then suddenly at 7, I had to babysit. She was allowed to come with me, if I was still there when she was done work. But she decided to cancel plans. Real great! She said she had to work in the morning anyways (she didnt find out til after work) and we'll make it another day. I didn't let it get to me too much, although it did kinda bother me. I haven't really hung out with anyone since like, beginning of September. It woulda been nice to spend time with someone. Have someone to talk to. Someone to listen to me. Have someone to tell me it WILL be okay. Someone to confide in. Someone to support me. Give me comfort..... I was so happy when she was supposed to come over, but nope, things decided to fall apart like usual. I figured, well maybe I'll get to go home soon and hang out with my bro and his friend again. That was another plan in mind anyways. But nope, they went cruising without me cuz I'm still fuckin babysitting! My entire day practically ruined. Plan after plan after plan. All ruined. The parents of the kids Im babysitting called me to see if they could go to the bar aswell, and I told them to go ahead, cuz I didnt figure they'd be too much longer, and I didnt wanna ruin their plans. Although mine were ruined! So I let them go, and here I am, midnight, still babysitting! Ofcourse, me being me - I just had to say I'd babysit. I just had to say that they could stay out longer. Yup, ofcourse. I wanted THEM to go out and have fun, even though I'm stuck here with my plans ruined. Real great Court! This is fan-fuckin-tabulous! It really is! Think maybe next time she'll fuckin learn!? Nope, ofcourse not. Cuz lil Courty here, has a fuckin problem with saying no. She always puts everyone before her! Always cares about other peoples happiness instead. Always Always Always, is she the last in line. Why? Cuz she puts herself there and allows it!!! Ugh!

Well, on a good note ........ uhm ...... guess there is no good note. Okay..... I guess I'll end here.

Hope everyone had a good day! =)

Dead End

Today was alright I guess. I was a bit happier than the past week atleast. But I did have my 'low' moments today. I went shopping with my mom, did some running around. Then had to rush home and babysit. It wasn't that bad. Came home and was online for a bit. I cant remember after that. =s Then I went for a cruise with the boyz again. It was amazing. We took a three hour cruise, got lost and everything. Ended up in Staples. I got us there somehow. lol My bro and I switched seats and I sat in the front so I could stick my head out the window and such. I had like half my body out, screaming and letting the wind take me away! It was great. But Randy let me stear for awhile, (kinda difficult to stear from passenger seat but I learned some things too) but I took a turn and ended up in Staples. lol It was awesome though. I really enjoy the time with them. It's like I leave everything else behind. Its just me, in that moment. I feel so free and peaceful during those times. I really enjoyed it. But on the way home, I noticed things going downhill. I dont know whats going on anymore.

I dont know what the hell is wrong with me! I was hoping to have a day without being so down like I've been lately. The day seemed to be heading in a good direction till not too long ago, now things seem so ... rough again. Im so fricken down and I HATE it. Why can't I just live my life in fuckin peace?! Im so sick of this shit! Im beginning to slightly piece things together though. I know one thing that gets me down - not as down as I get now, but it adds to it. And that is, the one most important person in my life, seems to have left. I need them more than anything right now, and I dont even get a single thing from them! Im not blaming them, or anything like that. I just feel so fuckin alone!! I dont know. I feel like he wants nothing to do with me now. Like I am nothing to him. Thats just how it feels, its not like they did anything wrong. I just dont know what the hell is going on anymore! Cant even fuckin contact me or anything!?!?!!! Not even a simple "hello, how are you? Im okay, dont worry about me" ... nope, not even that. So here I am, fuckin blaming myself again. Thinking I did something wrong, thinking he wants nothing to do with me, thinking Ive fuckin lost the one I love! IT FUCKIN HURTS!!!! Not his fault, not blaming him, nothing. I dont mean to make him feel bad, just saying how I feel! I just want out of all this. Im so close to the end, but so far at the same time. I want some fuckin comfort! But you know what? .... NOBODYS THERE!!! I dont even know what to do anymore. I give up. Why the hell am I even here?! This is like fuckin torture. Dealing with all this shit, ON MY OWN, having to live through it, no way out, no choice, just live in pain, sadness, worry, anxiety, grief, heartache, hurt and suffering. I get to fuckin suffer! Isnt that just the best thing in the world?! Fuckin suffering!? ... nothing to hold on to and atleast have hope, no comfort ... nothing. This is fuckin hell and I cant deal with this anymore!!!!

Found out my doctors appointment is Friday.... question is, can I fuckin handle it that much longer?! This is getting unbearable. I cant fuckin live through this shit. It'd help if I had someone to lean on, something to hold onto. Keep me sane, keep me alive, keep me safe. Atleast let me feel loved and cared about.... ='( WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU MOST?!?!?!?!!??!

......So close to the edge, but so far from falling....Just let go of me, let me fuckin fall to the end of it all!!!
I've had enough. Put me outta my fuckin misery already. ='( I cant take anymore! I can only handle so much, and this is far more than that amount!

But where will you go
With no one left to save you from yourself
You can't escape

You think that I can't see right through your eyes
Scared to death to face reality
No one seems to hear your hidden cries
You're left to face yourself alone

The Beginning....

Well, decided to make a blog. This outta be interesting.
Today was pretty hectic. Well, this whole week's been pretty hectic. I've finally decided I've had enough and am seeking help. I have a doctors appointment next week about my 'depression' - among other things, so we'll see how it goes. I'm scared to see whats gonna happen, but it's for the better, right? I just want all this shit to end. I don't know why or how I got in this mess, but I guess we'll figure it all out sooner or later. Three years of depression ain't easy, that's for sure. So it's about time I get better and be happy for once......whatever 'happy' is. On the other hand, It's gonna be pretty difficult. I almost don't wanna let go of this 'person' I've become. I'm kinda scared to let go of all this. I've grown 'attached' to it all. It almost feels 'normal' to be all depressed and such, but it's the only thing I know now. I don't know what it's truly like to be happy or anything along that line. It's gonna be a big change. But I guess only time will tell...

Tonight was really odd. I had like a total break down. I was chattin online, perfectly fine. My brother and his friend come back from who knows where, and I was told to move cuz I was in his chair (also on his laptop). I knew this and was signing out in the process. I snapped at my mom and bro cuz it was like they were being pushy about it. I headed upstairs to my room and in the meantime, my bro was near and asked what the hell my problem was. I didnt even think about it, and the words "fuck you!" came out. By the time I reached my bedroom door, I realized what all just happened and couldn't figure it out. I instantly started bawling. I felt bad and couldn't make sense of it. It just came outta nowhere. I didn't mean to be such a bitch or anything. They didn't really do anything. I don't know why it happened. My moods are all over the place. In that amount of time, I went from content to angry to snapping to bawling to depressed then happy'ish. It's so fucked. Like there's no reason for half of this. No wonder people think I'm bi-polar. =( I feel sorry for everyone around me. I've been trying to keep distant from good close friends, or anyone for that matter. I don't wanna drag them down with me. I'm trying to keep them outta this mess, till I atleast get things sorted out. It's not like I'm trying to push them away, I just don't want to lose them, cause problems or anything like that. I love them all to death and they have lives of their own. I'd rather see me go down on my own, than dragging them with me. Makes me feel bad.
Well on a good note, I had a good cry today. Feel somewhat better. Although I've cried a good like four times every day all week. But when I snapped at my mom and bro, I completely broke down. I was pacing my floors, having a fit. Then curled up on my bed, kicking, screaming, the whole works. Then did something I almost regret now - only cuz I let the two most important people in my life down. I practically promised them something and broke it. I tried so hard not to, but I couldn't help it. It was my escape. It was my only way free from that moment. It did make me feel better, but now I gotta deal with how I let them down. I really need to put an end to all this. Which is why I'm getting help. Well, not really. Kinda. Maybe. I admit, I know I need help. But honestly, I'm not really doing it for me. Well I kinda am. But I didn't actually go out and get help for me. I did it cuz the closest people to me, have been trying to get me to get help for the longest time. I don't want to worry them. I don't want them upset or anything. I want them happy. And I know that seeing me get help, will make them proud and happy. So I did it. And I'm gonna get help. And Im gonna get better. I guess in the end it is a win-win situation. I just thank them for putting up with me, sticking by my side no matter what and most of all, caring about me. If it wasn't for them, who knows where I'd be right now. Honestly, if I didn't have them, I probably wouldn't even be here right now. They are the main reason I've hung on this long. I love you guys!!

Well I guess this'll be all for now. Kinda lengthy, but oh well, it works.